My sesson was last night. It was a good session.

Until today.

Today while at work, I managed to completely destroy the session in my head.

She mentioned emotional regulation and retaining good feelings from the sessions and that *really* meant that she's tired of me, angry with me, wants me to never call again, sick of me, sorry she ever took me on, wanting to ditch me.
[In spite of her saying several times recently "I'm commited to working with you, barring unforseen events, for as long as it takes."]

She was quiet in that professional, reserved kind of way she has sometimes and that *really* meant all of the above plus that she's bored with me, thinks I'm stupid.
[In spite of knowing the she is giving me time and room and opportunity, like the silences.]

She wrote some things down that I'd mentioned in my calls. She held them for me and I loved that. She said she thought maybe we could focus on one of those. She began reading them, telling me to stop her anywhere and I did. lol Oh it was my idea to talk about holding on to good feelings then. Well, what's with this choosing something to focus on? Usually we 'start wherever you are'. Is she changing on me?!

And knowing I am still grieiving a loss of someone we've talked about many times, nearly every session over the year I've been seeing her, she didn't even mention it! I squeezed it in some at end.

So I'm mad at her for everything: deciding to choose something to 'focus' on, for not reading my mind about what I wanted to talk about and not even considering that I need to talk about that loss still, using the term emotional regulation and that I reacted to it but didn't tell her. I thought the reaction would go away. It felt like a slap in the face. It's
taken me all day and evening to realize that it's shame I'm feeling around it. Mad she was quiet. Mad at myself too for not speaking up, for feeling intimidated by her in session and not telling her.

Maybe she SHOULD ditch me.