T Tuesday. I was really nervous since I'd just admitted to having "some platonic love feelings" for him last session. T retrieved me, saying "hello" quietly as I walked by. I replied, "Hi." He said, in reference to my dress, "You're looking very floral today!" Went back and sat down.

T: "The only thing I have on my agenda is to let you know my availability the rest of this week" (while he's away). Me: "My intention is not to contact you." T: "Well, that's your choice then. Because I will be checking email a couple times a day, responding at least once a day. I'd also be available for a short phone call in a crisis." Me: "Hopefully I won't have a crisis...but of course you never know what will happen I guess..."

He asked what I wanted to talk about. Me: "I"m feeling kind of anxious." T: "About my going away?" Me: "Well, not really that specifically, but more from what I shared on Friday." T: "OK." Me: "And I think a lot of that isn't just so much about you, but about ex-MC and how he reacted when I shared those feelings. Not the most recent time, but the first time. Like back in 2015. Have I told you about that?" T: "Just proceed as if you haven't told me. I'll stop you if you have."

Me: "OK. I've been going back and reading old posts on Psych Central, plus some emails. That's how I know the time period." I went on to first share how I'd told ex-MC about the transference. In there, I mentioned how when I first admitted to it (while scheduling an individual session in person), he was like, "Yaaay! Someone's attracted to me!" Then he said how we had to work on my taste in men. And that he didn't think I liked short guys (H is over 6 feet tall).

I shared briefly what our first individual session had been about, then how I'd asked for second one, but at first he said no, then agreed after I left him weepy voicemail. And how that session had been fairly intimate, with him sharing stuff about his father and other personal things. How at the end, he'd said, "My door is always open to you," which to me suggested he meant for individual sessions.

So flash forward a few months. T: "So, still 2015?" Me: "Yeah." I said how I kept having this feeling like I wanted reassurance from ex-MC. And I'd asked him for a phone call. He gave me one, we talked for a half hour about my feelings connected to him and fears about that,then at the end, I was like, "So if I love you, is that OK?" Ex-MC: "That's OK! Though you have awful taste!" So, it felt like all was fine, I told T. But then in (joint) session that Monday, ex-MC was all weird, like putting all this praise on H, then asking me at end how session had made me feel, asking if it made me feel vulnerable (or something like that).

I told T how that had upset me, and I'd emailed ex-MC asking for a phone call or individual session. Me: "He eventually called, and we had this...awful conversation. Like he was just really harsh to me. I tried asking for another individual session, and he just kept saying no, and asked how I'd feel if he said I could never have another one. And when I talked about it being painful, he said how maybe I just had to deal with the pain and get through it." T: "Wow, that's quite a difference from the other call." Me: "Yeah. He also compared it to a romantic breakup of his, which didn't help. I was curled up on the floor, sobbing, during the call." T: "Aw." Me: "And it felt especially painful because I'd just shared the love feelings and felt really vulnerable."

I said how I'd left him voicemail saying that he'd "made me feel like s***." And that I was so upset, H even called him to say "What did you say to my wife?" T: "Wow, how did you feel that H did that?" Me: "It made me feel good that he cared enough." T: "Did ex-MC talk to him?" Me: "They talked on the phone briefly, but he said he couldn't tell him anything due to confidentiality." T: "Hm. Did you end up working things out?" Me: "It took a few sessions. At first, when I asked about how he'd said his door was always open, ex-MC just said, 'My feelings evolved.' Which, what the hell was that? And it made me wonder, well, what else would his feelings just change about? How could I trust him? After a few sessions,he finally admitted that he'd realized he'd made a mistake right after he'd offered me that. Which, I guess was good he at least admitted he'd made a mistake. But why couldn't he have said that right at first? He tends to overapologize about things, but then he wouldn't apologize about this, which really hurt me?"

What's weird is, I was talking about these things that would normally make me really emotional. But I barely cried, like only used one tissue. I told T that I also felt rather unemotional when reading emails, like maybe I'd become more detached from the situation? He said it could be.

I said the next time I shared the I love you feelings with ex-MC was about a year later. T: "So you just didn't bring it up at all in that time?" Me: "No. I think I was afraid to." I mentioned how then I ultimately shared it in an email. And he took a couple days to write back, then was just like, "That's kind of you. And I'm glad you realize it's platonic." Which upset me. Because "That's kind of you" is like if I'd given him a compliment, not sharing my feelings. It's like when I told ex-T that the first time, and she said, "That's sweet." I said to T: "I'm not trying to be nice, I'm sharing feelings. I'm glad you didn't say something like that. I don't recall exactly what you said, but it felt OK." T: "Well, then I probably just stumbled into it." Me: "You still did OK."

T: "So what *is* the right way for a someone to respond to that, if they're unable to reciprocate for whatever reason?" Me: "Wait, am I setting the precedent for future clients? Well, for me, I'm worried about it being OK, so I'd want them to say 'It's OK' or 'I'm fine with that.' I'd also be good with 'I'm glad you were able to tell me that', and it's OK' or 'I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share.' But really mainly that it's OK. I've said 'It's OK' an awful lot of times, haven't I?" T: "But it sounds like that's your main concern, so it makes sense."

T said how sharing those emotions is "like being in the innermost circle of the relationship. The center of the onion." Me: "I guess so, I hadn't thought of it that way. Maybe that's why it makes me cry, because cutting onions makes me cry."

I said I shared all that stuff about ex-MC because I wanted him to understand more about why I was so worried about sharing it with him. He seemed to get it. He said he wanted to comment on something. "You mentioned a couple occasions that ex-MC used humor when you were talking about something serious. What do you think that's about?" Me: "Well, when I was first admitting to the transference, he said he was joking to make me feel like it was OK." T: "Hm, OK, because I wondered if maybe it was the opposite." Me: "What do you mean? To make himself feel OK?" T: "Yes, many people use humor as a defense mechanism." I raised my hand. T: "They may use it when they're feeling uncomfortable." Me: "Hm...so maybe ex-MC felt uncomfortable about my expressions of love from the start? Rather than being OK with it then changing his mind?" T: "It could be. It's just speculation on my part of course." Me: "Hmmmm. It's a different way for me to look at it." T: "Again, I don't know for sure."

He mentioned that if clients, especially couples, keep joking about something, he'll ask them to say what they're feeling behind the joke. We talked a bit about H and I using humor when things are uncomfortable. I gave an example and said how maybe we need to discuss that more in the future. Something came up about how H often seemed to not be reacting in marriage counseling sessions, while I was often sitting there crying. T said that ability to let emotions out can be a good predictor of success in therapy. Me: "So it's a good thing that I cry a lot in here then?" T smiled: "Maybe!"

He said that, "not to be stereotypical," but guys are taught to hold them in. How maybe H was sitting there not seeming to react, but there was a lot going on inside, like his mind was racing, trying to figure out what to say, his heart rate was up. Me: "So I should have just grabbed his Fitbit to check his heartrate?" T: "Maybe!"

We were almost out of time. I said again how I felt nervous about what I'd shared with him Friday and maybe I should have talked about it more today. T: "I suspect it will be an ongoing conversation." Me: "Yeah. I mean, I might want to discuss it a bit more Monday." T: "If you didn't, then I might wonder if you were just avoiding it. I might ask you about it."

Me: "I'm just concerned it could affect our relationship." T: "There are really only two reasons I can think of where it would cause a problem. The first would be if we ended up only talking about the relationship to the exclusion of outside things." Me: "Yeah, OK." T: "The other would be, if you were acting provocatively in session, trying to be seductive." Me: "But...I told you it's platonic. I haven't done anything like that in here, right?" T: "No, not at all." Me (looking directly into his eyes): "And as I said, it's platonic, so I wouldn't be doing something like that anyway." T: "I know. I was just giving an example of what would cause a problem."

I looked at the clock--we were at an hour. Me: "I guess we have to stop." T: "Yep, I have to throw you out now!" Confirmed schedule, and I went over to pay.


Me: "I guess I just keep worrying you'll think about this more and change your mind. I mean, not that I think that you probably think of me much outside of here, but...." T: "Wow, you're really trying to get inside my head, aren't you?" Me: "Well, I guess I'm just concerned that you'll be away for a few days and give it more thought and not feel OK with it." T: "Well, if that happened, I would tell you." Me: "OK. Or that you'll be acting differently toward me because of it. I guess if you were, I could ask you about it." T: "I'd want you to ask me." Me: "OK." Shook hands, as T said, "Have a good week!" Me: "Have a good...trip!" T: "Thanks. Take care." Me: "You too."