T asked me how my week was. After a minute of silence, he said "just say whatever is important, what's happening in the moment". I thought about my answer some more, then I said it hurts that he thinks I'm mad at him. He said that's an assumption. I replied that no, he said last week that he thinks I'm angry if I don't look at him. He said that's one possible explanation, but that we had discussed that for me it's fear of my feelings, the fact that I might like him. I nodded. He asked what else he had said when we had talked about that. I replied that it would be okay if I liked him. And that we could talk about it. He asked what else? I was quiet for a bit, then I said that I might be scared because he has to remain neutral. He agreed with that. He said liking your therapist can be good but it can also destroy a lot.

I cried a lot. I said when I like someone, it hurts when they leave. So I'd rather not like them at all. He said he didn't think that was a good solution. That he's there and won't leave just like that. I told him that it's not forever. He asked what I meant and I replied he'd leave at the latest when he retires. He said that's not for some more years and that I was thinking too far ahead. There's no need to be scared right now.

At some point he again asked why I hurt so much. I said if I like somebody it hurts. People are mean and at some point they hurt you and leave. He replied it makes sense to him that if you like somebody it also hurts. That love doesn't just mean liking someone. Sometimes you're angry or disappointed. It's only all good while you're in love, but that goes away after a bit.

I told him that when we only saw once a week, I'd always miss him and think of him. Now much less so. He agreed that seeing each other twice a week seemed necessary and told me how he had only realized that after a while. I told him how I'm scared that I could go back to those feelings now and he said that would probably happen at some point. That it's part of therapy, that there's ups and downs. I asked whether I could still tell him if that happens and he said of course! I said I was asking because of how he said liking your therapist can be bad earlier. He replied that constantly thinking about your therapist is not beneficial. But you can't just turn off your feelings and not have them. We can always talk about what's currently happening and how I'm feeling. But it's also important to keep in mind what your goals are. For me that's managing to tolerate my feelings and soothing myself. So we have to keep that in mind. But he's there to help me with that so I can manage. But he also added liking your T can be good because it means you trust them, plus he said something about it being good for the T too, because trust is mutual.

At some point he also went on about how you can even like friends to some degree. I was a bit confused by this since I think that obviously you can like friends. But T said it's somehow different from liking somebody in a romantic kind of way, or even from liking your parents.

I don't remember a whole lot, I dissociated most of the time and cried. T talked to me a lot, but I think I've forgotten most of it... We ended earlier than usual given that I didn't talk for more than 4 or 5 sentences.