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Originally Posted by Turquoisetree247
I just want to say thank you very much for those that replied and sent me hugs  I understand that I was so young when I fantasised about what I did. While I would love to go to a therapist and talk about it, i don’t think I could  it doesn’t really make sense and it’s more about what happened in the story than what I thought about as well. It is disturbing. It would be amazing though if a therapist could help me but they would literally hate me i’ve Been in therapy before for anxiety and it really did help but this is a different level of emotional pain. Sorry i’m nearly in tears as I write this i just feel so sad for my parents and grandparents having someone like me |
You're not a bad person. No matter what your fantasy was, you will not convince me otherwise.
I had some pretty awful thoughts as a kid, too, that I'd never want to tell anyone. And just imagine - if I don't want to tell anyone, and you don't want to tell anyone, maybe we all do this to some degree and never tell each other. Your parents and grandparents may have had awful thoughts and fantasies as well, and they'd never tell you about it.
This is an obsessive thought, and I know you won't be able to shift your focus off it easily - but the more you realize it is no big deal, the less it will continue to control you.
Often times, I don't want to tell other people my inner fears or fantasies because not telling makes it a big secret, makes it more significant than it really is, and I don't want that significance taken away from me by bringing it to light. Does that make sense?
I would encourage you to tell your therapist (if you trust them) how this fantasy from childhood bothers you and what it was. Air it out to another person that will keep it in confidence. It may have less of a hold on you when it is no longer a secret of yours alone.