I can't talk to people, not about this anyway.

Not about the fact that when I'm sober I want to die, and when I'm high... I'm at peace with death. Death. It's kinda the common theme here. I keep having issues (or visions) of me speeding down the freeway at 110. I'm not going to detail how it ends. I keep seeing other things like it. Doesn't matter if I'm high or straight, I see it all of the time.

Now, at this moment, I'm having a bit of an existential problem. I'm trying to understand why the hell I'm here. Why anyone's here. So few people in this universe of nothing. The universe sees us individually as a tiny millisecond of time. That's it. That's all we are. And yet -- in an ideal world -- we spend that millisecond loving and being loved by someone or something. We put so much of our own value in our existence, like it's something special. Maybe it is. We place value in pain and agony that comes with life. We place value in the beginning and the end of that small life. What if I can't manage to place value in that, for myself... for me? What if I well and truly am not destined to be here and do not belong?