it just seems it somehow isn't connected to my personality?

this resonates for me.
in a different way, I am valued for my ability to multi-task and organise - but that isn't connected to my personality at all, in fact it's a dissociative pattern.

I think it's fine to ask your friend what is your favourite song. That's a superficial question anyway.

Being connected is about noticing what resonates for me at any given time... and sometimes that requires a commitment to gentleness and deep listening/ compassion. I hear from many different people that they struggle with this.