I've spent a few minutes pondering this because of spending time recently with a male friend (not intimate) who is in his 50's - basically a sound person, but running after excitement and a false sense of competence. He tells me one thing and seems to believe it himself in that moment, then immediately does the opposite - over less important issues than yours - but that still gives me an emotional feeling of unreality and confusion.

The first word that popped up from my subconscious was Addiction. because addictive behaviour closes out other people like your h seems to be closing out the strengths in your relationship. But also I wonder whether men live out trauma differently to women: not necessarily major trauma, but the daily pressure to be compete and be "male", whatever that means to them. Traumatised people can run round like headless chickens believing that their repetitive behaviour is reasonable while their friends and family know otherwise.

My challenge with this friend is holding my own intention and boundaries when constantly being pulled into his drama. It's not so much fighting him as being sensitive to my own need to focus somewhere else. Is that an issue for you?

You talk about your children's needs, but I wonder how this is playing out for you emotionally. I think you said you are angry. It seems that your husband isn't engaging with your anger, or with how you feel? The external disruptions are reflected in the emotional disruption of not being engaged together emotionally. Probably a classic couple problem?

I am just reflecting from my own very limited relationship experience. Your husband sounds emotionally unstable at this point, and it must be horrible for you if he doesn't engage when you feel angry or upset by his behaviours.

I feel for you and wish you strength to eventually come through to a better place!