I've been high energy over the past few days, but this evening, I'm telling/allowing myself to relaaaxxxx. No work tomorrow!

So I'll open up about one of my struggles. Intrusive thoughts. Out of nowhere, something absolutely devastating takes over my thoughts, such as getting hit by a train, or choking to death, and then in a flash, I can see all the after effects if it happened...the healthcare responders trying to revive me, and the way my family would be handling things and living without me.

I was able to stop the thoughts pretty well earlier today at work. I was working on a project, and had plenty of distraction, and suddenly, I imagined choking to death by aspiration. I am puzzled as to why this would happen randomly while I was in the MIDDLE of working and thinking of so many other things.

I have a mind that fixates on things. I have fast thoughts, and a detailed memory. I can get obsessed with researching a topic and learning everything about it, for weeks. One of the reasons the pdoc had mentioned trying an antipsychotic, low dose, is to help with the things I'm sharing. I only took Abilify for one month, and due to that experience, I am not wanting to take anything else other than Lamictal right now.

Back to the gorey thoughts: I drive over train tracks on my way to work everyday. A lot of times I get a physical feeling from anxiety as I go over them. As I approach them, I slow down and look because I don't trust the automatic lights and guardrails to come down. I picture the very gorey details of someone getting hit by a train. My pdoc has said that I have PTSD symptoms from the very tragic things I've dealt with when I worked in a trauma center, and also from another thing I experienced which I don't want to share at this time.

I wish I could extract the visuals from my head. The things I've seen. And the things I imagine.