The way you speak kind of reminds me of the way I felt a lot about 5 years ago. I was very bored with my life and it felt at a standstill. Maybe its not the same. You sound like you're working very hard, but not sure why or what for. What do you want to change? What do you want in your life? Also even though you "Waited too long" to make amends, please go easy on yourself. It sounds like you've taken personal responsibility for your actions and feelings and thoughts, and you're doing the best you can. Maybe you were doing the best you could (with what you knew and had) back then too. It may not have been the best way to handle things but you did your best with what you knew how to do. Now you know better, so you're doing better. That deserves a pat on the back!