This one of the other emails T sent me yesterday..

Dear *****


You feel like you have destroyed me/us and that there is no escaping that. But I think by emailing me you do have a sense that there is still something of ‘us’ left that you can reach out to. I can see that it’s hard to believe, but nothing has happened that we can’t work through, and that will prevent us working together. Difficult feelings and difficult words are what therapy is all about, and I have no intention of ending it – or wish to do so.


You have destroyed what’s good only in fantasy, and only temporarily. You have a good sense of where you are and you are able to talk/write about it, which means that the work of therapy can continue, even while you feel it can’t. I hope that makes sense, it’s a bit of a contradiction, I know.

Best Wishes
.........

Last night I suddenly got this insight to the feeling I get each time I have to deal with a break in T, more so after the break is when it hits me most, I guess because I feel its safe to fall apart once T is back, but I had this vision of me on the edge of a great fall, and the moment you know you are about to fall keeps getting replayed and replayed and I have no voice and no one can see the danger I am experiencing and then I asked myself what can I do to stop this same tape playing, and suddenly I pictured a bird coming and gently picking me up from the edge of the cliff and taking me to safety and this birds face is full of understanding and love and has no hidden motives and importantly it takes my fear and gives it back to me in a safe contained way...I think it was the emails from T that were the bird that rescued me....its the first time I found a safe place created by me, this bird was big and white and carried me in a pink bib...hopefully I can use this to help next time that fear is triggered...sometimes I think T is so laid back and indifferent when I am panicking, but I think she's showing me my fears are safe for her to deal with and its her strenght that I am taking...