I need to be heard. A "thanks for this" can mean I've been heard, a "hug" can mean your support, a comment can mean the world to me.

I need to find my true self, and I am clueless as where to start.

What does it mean to find my true self?

I've already found my career pathway. I want to work with the elderly. I want to become a geriatric nurse. It's amazing that I've found my passion when I used to be so clueless for so long

But something is missing, and I don't know what. My parents told me this year is dedicated to finding my true self. Does that mean my character? My personality? My demeanor?

Some say you start with small changes. Right now, I want to become an Alpha to a German Shepherd. I've written many heartfelt letters to my parents about my needs for a German Shepherd and they agreed, but come serious conversation they flat out told me I couldn't handle it or ANY dog for that matter. Then two seconds later my mom switched to, "so, when are you seeing your shink?" Thanks Mom and Dad, you don't think I'm capable of raising a dog because I'm mentally incapable.

So what do I do? Take on the responsibility of THE DOG I HAVE plus Evy and the fish and down every book on dog training and dog ownership...in addition to all of my other responsibilities.

I try so hard, explained in many, many of my posts I've made, to take on more and more responsibility. I feel that's the only way I can prove I am "tough enough" and "mature enough". I hate feeling weak and incapable because of my illness. In a very mature talk with my mom, she told me I have to let go of my past, my illness, my labeling of being a fire victim...but for so long I've been pushing the notion that I am more than my illness, more than a fire vicitm...why does everything have to be her idea? Why can't she just see that I've been fighting for so long to get rid of that stigma, that I am more than my conditions? Why can't it be me that had that wild idea to begin with?

She wants me to be open and honest with her...how? If I open my mouth, she interjects with her emotions and her opinions before I even form a sentence. I do want to be open and honest with her...but she has to listen, and she has never done that. Our relationship, between my mom and dad and I, is not as strong as it was before the fire. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to talking about my true feelings, and it's a lot harder when the relationship isn't as strong.

I feel I am already in the right direction of finding my true self, but I just don't know where this path is supposed to take me, and how I'm supposed to get there. I feel so many emotions, but lately I've been trying to embrace my inner Jane Goodall, a woman of "calm-assertiveness". I look up to her, and she is the demeanor I should strive for. I try to take a deep breath and fix my posture and put on a calm, powerful face. It's starting to work on my dog. I put on my "Jane Goodall face" and I noticed he is much more receptive to me. He accepted my pig ear without him cowering which is a good sign. I think if I take him on walks we can work on our relationship. The only way I can prove to be a good dog owner is to take care of the dog I have. I hate to say this, please no judgment, but I hate, hate Max. He is everything I hate in a dog. He's cowardly and licks himself to no end, and he is not a loyal dog. He wouldn't care who takes care of him as long as there is food, although I have to say, my brother is the only one he is loyal to, but he went off to the military and we are stuck with him. The main reason why I do not like Max is because one time I took him for a walk and badly sprained my ankle, he did not care, two people had to carry me home and all he did was jump everytime the leash swayed. That was the last straw for me and Max...but...I decided, since I like the elderly, I should like the elderly dog, too. I want to give Max the best life he can have at the end of his life. I want to set aside that inner rage I have to show Max that I do, in fact, care for him. I will be very sad when he passes away. It will hurt me to see him go, so for that last leg of his life, I owe it to my brother to see to it that Max is sent off with dignity. He may not be the greatest dog we ever had, but I want to ensure that his last year or two of his life was full of love and care. It's hard to explain, how you can desperately so want a dog but hate the dog you have...it may seem selfish, doesn't it? It just really hurt my feelings to have a replacement for Sarge, it just didn't seem like the right time, then Max became Darien's dog when Darien was 12 and to be told at almost 26 that I'm not "competent" enough for my own dog...and then the incident of me spraining my ankle and Max didn't care...I felt...if it were Sarge, he'd help me to safety and worry about me for every moment...and then to see that Max didn't care at all...I know pets are a touchy subject, I hope there is no judgement...Max isn't the brightest dog but he's still a good dog, and I am serious about making sure Max goes with dignity...but still, I want my own dog so badly...my own German Shepherd...Mom and Dad said Sarge was a handful in their 30s...how can they handle a puppy let alone a German Shepherd puppy at their age? I have the energy, even when I go to school and work I'll be sure to make the time. I can handle it...right? What's so wrong with me that I can't handle a Shepherd? Yes, they are powerful dogs. But look at Sarge! Sarge was my protector! Even at a young age, Sarge always took care of me, and even on his final day, he wanted to stop me from crying because he loved me. I know I'll never have another Sarge, but I want a dog of my own. A dog that learns to obey me, to protect me, to be by my side no matter what. Yes, I have my cat Evy, but dogs are just so different. Maybe my parents see how I handle Evy and think I'm no match for a dog...but dogs are so much different from cats, I would never treat a dog the way I do a cat...I don't know...am I rambling too much?

What will it take to learn who I am? I want to become a well-rounded adult, but I don't know where to start...I'm starting with the "Jane Goodall attitude" and the dog, but there's so much more to that when it comes to identifying who I am...I have been building on my social skills, asking people in shops "hey, how are you?" with sincerity, and striking up conversations with people, something I've never done. I've been on top of feeding Evy and the fish, taking out Evy's litterbox, cleaning my room, cleaning the house. What does it even mean, to "find one's self"?

What goals should I have this year to find myself? What am I even looking for?

Thank you for reading this. Anything helps.