He has this habit of watching me about to do something and then saying "You ought to get going on that." Some instances are silly, little things. If I walk over to the wall to flick the light switch off, he'll say, "Yeah, turn that light off." Or I might be going to lock the front door in the evening and he'll say, "Yeah, lock that door." The implication always seems to be: "It's about time you did that."

I am behind in housework, but yesterday I got rocking and expected to catch up. I was just finishing cleaning the bathroom. Perspiration was rolling down my face, and I was almost finished cleaning the floor, when he said, "Look at the clutter on this table." It made me so mad.

Once I get started, I do a good job of most things. Once I get some momentum, I tend to surprise myself at how much I can get done. I keep his place cleaner than he ever did before he got sick. The nudging is what really makes me nuts. I could be in the middle of washing windows, and he will say, "The carpet needs vacuuming." But, if I was lounging around being lazy, he'ld say nothing. Only when I've started to make a real effort and am making good progress, he'll say "What about this and what about that and when you gonna do this and when you gonna do that?" It makes me crazy. Suddenly I want to kill him.

But I don't kill him, and, as they say, anger turned inward becomes depression. I become demoralized and depressed. Usually I say something like "Why do you have to complain that things need attention, right when I've started to really try? It is discouraging to hear that, right when I've started tackling tasks." Then he'll say "I was just kidding." That really gets me berserk.

Anytime he says anything thoughtless and I call him on it, He ALWAYS says, "I was just kidding." Every. Single. Solitary. Time. That only makes things worse. Then he'll say, "Okay, I didn't know that bothered you. I'll never say it again." But Nothing. Changes. Ever. I can scream, beg, plead, threaten, sob. He will do this to me over and over. Then he calms down and resumes watching TV, while I lose what vestiges of sanity I might otherwise have been holding on to.

Am I crazy? I'll admit that I think I am.

This might all sound kind of petty and insignificant. In life I think it is these little things that ruin relationships.

So I've been depressed all day today because of him doing this to me yesterday. Sensible people might say I'm doing this to myself. I guess I am. But I fight my way up from depression all the time. When I manage to do that and I'm working on some project and am being productive and feel happy and, then, he tosses a little monkey wrench in, and I fall back into the trough.

A lot of this is my own weakness. I guess you're just not supposed to let things others say get to you. I hate that I'm this vulnerable.

Now I have to claw my way up out of this trough. What's wrong with me?