Hello. I've never posted on bipolar boards before. in matter of fact I tend to avoid them.

But tonight is different. I can't seem to avoid it any longer.

I think I'm bipolar.

I'm professionally diagnosed with 'recurrent' Major Depression and Dysthymia, or what my doctor likes to call "double depression". I seem to cycle a few times a year usually seasonally or switch drastically because of certain medications.

These past couple of years Ivr been on Celexa and Vyvanse (for ADHD) and was doing okay. Then I canceled 2 appoibtments and ran out meds a couple months ago. I was doing okay at first, but the last couple weeks of stress and loss has me spiriling quickly.

I've been sleeping around 4-6 hours a day (not night my sleep is so messed up) and last night I slept 15 hours. I'm up again tonight at 330AM and have no sleep in sight. I've gained 20 pounds in a little over a month because of my vynase and depression feelings of worthlessness and doom has me binge eating. I'm easily agitated, consistently tense, and fly from rage to sobbing. Most days I don't get off the couch. The only thing that entertains me is YouTube videos that don't last longer than 3minutes because I lose interest and realize how ****** everything is.

I'm pretty sure I'm in the middle of a mixed episode.

This has happened to me a few times before in the past, twice because of medications and once when Dysthymia met a horrible loss. They last a couple weeks and i end up depressed or feel amazing.

I've never discussed any of this in detail bwith my current psychiatrist, and only slightly with a past one. She obviously knows I'm cyclic but I never voiced my concerns about bipolar disorder.

I made another appointment with her after I realized my current state. I forced myself to call and I see her the end of October.

I'm unsure if it'll be this way still or done. I've told myself many times to mention my concerns, but I either "feel fine" when I see her or I chicken out because I don't want to disappoint her or her realize how messed up I really am.

I'm not seeking a diagnosis or anything, I'm just wondering if this sounds familiar. I know I need to discuss it with her next month, but how do I when I'm feeling stable or if I feel like it's a mistake. Because what if she wants to drug me? What if I'm just being sensitive? Or a hypercondriach(sp)?

Sorry this was so long I have no one else to talk to without being shut down or called crazy.