Hi Amanda31, welcome to PC.

Yes, I can understand the feeling of not wishing to tell friends and family about these kinds of things, it's understandable. And also, you're not alone in having these deep rooted self hatreds and desires to die, as well. A lot of people on this site know just what you mean. I myself can relate and am at a stage of starting to address it somehow, and so far I've concluded that counseling is probably a good course of action to take. Not only that but reading about other peoples experiences helps me as well, in the sense of not feeling so isolated within myself. YouTube videos of peoples mental health struggles are another thing that bring a sense of determination to overcome or at least continue to address it, too. So, those are a few suggestions of my own.

All the best Amanda31, and a warm welcome to PC. Keep reaching out please. You can crack this.