I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

Coming from someone who has been cheated on and emotionally/mentally abused for over 16 years and still suffers every single day from it...you need to take care of yourself and get out of that relationship like 5 minutes ago. It's not healthy and you know this. It's just that when we love people we tend to make excuses for them or ignore or downplay their behavior because we don't want to take it at face value. Trust me. Staying in your marriage is only going to do significant damage to you as a person and you don't want that. You don't deserve it. Trying to "fix" yourself afterwards is a harder task than you could ever prepare yourself for.

Good luck to you and you can do this. You deserve better and you will find it