Mary Alice,

Thanks for being honest with us about how it went. I'm not sure it went as badly as you think it did. You know that your T cares about you and I wish you would call and get your appointment back, but you know he's going to be thinking about you and worrying about you even though you aren't there. He cares, and he can't just stop caring no matter what you do or how hard you try to wall yourself off. You could even try to make him mad at you, but it won't work because he would see right through it, and you know it too.

Another thing that went well is that you recognize that you are a perfectionist. I think that being a perfectionist is one of the causes of depression. I do it too. I was doing really good starting back to school and everything, and I decided that I'm going to have straight A's. Yup, I want to do it all perfectly. And on top of being a full-time student I can keep on being a homeschooling mom and running my farm/home business too. Well, I got my first grade back on the first assignment I turned in, and it was only 16 points out of 17. That's 94% which is an A-. Not good enough. And here comes Ian back from Australia and I wrote to him and was trying so hard to help him and he makes that statement that nobody really cares. So I failed at helping him too. Not only that, but I'm not finding any time to work on my business at all. My perfectionism is to the point with that that I can't even start to try. There I go again, and I'm hanging on but not doing so good anymore. Anyway, perfectionism doesn't only affect you.

Being able to admit that you have a higher standard for yourself than for other people is something. You know that you actually are exceeding expectations (and other workers are not even meeting expectations) and you are excelling in spite of being in physical and mental anguish. I wish that I had your will-power! At this point maybe you aren't ready to ease up on yourself, but you do know that you are a high achiever, and that is a start.

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Here's a hug for you. Go ahead and ramble all you want, any time you want. We're here for you. And you're going to come out of this and be okay. People depend on you and you aren't going to let them down by not being around. I hope you can learn to tell them that you have limits and be easier on yourself though.
Thanks for the update!

Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>