Many of you talked about your relationship with T being healing. I don’t know if that can ever happen for me again. Part of the reason I want to work on my attachment issues is that I don’t want to get attached to T again, because I know I’ll likely be with her for less than a year and it will hurt so badly when I leave her. Or she leaves me.

My last T...she helped me through the worst year of my life, and I got really, really attached to her. She kept saying that she wasn’t going to leave me. She said again and again “the only way I’m ever leaving here is if they fire me or in a body bag” so many times. She had been there for 13 years. I had told her that every single year in the summer since I’ve started therapy (4 years now), I had to leave my T or my T suddenly left me, so I would half-joke with her that it was “that time of year again” where my therapist leave, so she was going to leave. She kept telling me to stop being ridiculous. And then...suddenly...a matter of weeks before I went back to medical school (my big treatment goal), she told me she was leaving. She got a promotion and was no longer going to be at my program and wasn’t doing therapy anymore. I was devastated and traumatized, to say the least. I don’t feel like I can ever trust anyone, especially a T, that tells me they’re not going to leave me. It hurts me so much because the T that helped me the most, also hurt me so badly. She also told me that in her 13 years there, I was one of her favorite clients to see, and that when she was considering whether or not to take the promotion, I was one of the things that popped into her head as a reason to stay. That both felt great and absolutely awful to hear. I can still email her sometimes, but it’s not the same. She’s not my T anymore and I feel like I’m bothering her. And she only replies sometimes, so I feel super not secure about that.
So...I’m determined to try to not get attached to current T. It’s starting to happen and I either have to pull back or work through it, but both feel so hard. I’m leaning towards pulling back. I wrote to T that these are my options, I guess our session tomorrow will determine how I proceed. But it doesn’t seem like there’s a definite process or something that can really be worked out, so I’m probably going to pull back. :/