I've threatened to ask for "respite." Both the VA and Medicaid are willing to pay for him to have a nursing home stay to give me a break. It can be a week to a month - whatever I want. Saying that last night didn't make a dent.

I don't know if his dementia makes it impossible for him to put together a few words of praise for me. But he never could do that, even when his brain worked better than mine.

Years ago, I got a call from the guy I had been with for 4 years before my current bf. He asked me to come back to him. He said, "I might not have been all that great to you, but I wouldn't be bleeding you, like this guy is doing." I kept hearing from him, till I we moved far away.

Last night I dreamed of the one other guy I had gone with for awhile. He had serious problems, but could say sweet things. I almost left my current bf to go back to him. I ran into him unexpectedly during a low point in my life. In some ways, he was the nicest. But he sure had issues; that's all I'll say. In my dream, though, I saw only his good points. Maybe his spirit came to me. Or it was just wishful thinking by me.

I wonder if life could have been different for me, if I had been loved by a supportive person. The three above were pretty majorly screwed up. No sane woman would have expected much of a life with any one of them. Here and there someone halfway normal appeared. I had other chances. They just didn't seem right at the time. I tend to think my life is pretty much what I've made it.

I have no desire to be involved with anyone again. I think about getting a dog when I have more time.