T this morning. When I got to the waiting room, he was in there, rearranging the tea selection. When he saw me, he smiled and said, "You caught me!" And I knew then that things were OK with him. I was worried he'd be mad at me for texting him last night for non-scheduling reasons (I was having a rough night). After 2 minutes, he gestured toward the door. Me: "Is that you saying I should go back?" T: "Yes."

He was wearing all black (aside from the red roses on his socks), and I was wearing a black shirt with distressed jeans (as in, a couple intentional holes). He commented on my jeans, as I figured he would, saying, "Are things so bad you have holes in your jeans?" Me: "Actually, yes! Plus it's hot out, so ventilation." T: "Ah, so functional, then!" Me: "Yep."

We sat down. I apologized for texting him the night before. T: "It's OK." Me: "To be completely honest...part of why I texted you is that I was trying to avoid contacting ex-MC. And I managed that." T: "That's good. So it sounds like you're improving your coping mechanisms then." Me: "I guess, but I also crossed your boundaries in doing it." T: "That's OK."

T: "Are you feeling better this morning?" Me: "Yes." T: "What do you think led to that?" Me: "Well, sleep probably helped. But also I had sex with H last night, for the first time in I think a few months. And the reason I know that is kind of TMI..." T: "A few months? Is that common? And why is that TMI?" Me: "That's not the TMI part. That's...we'd only planned to have one kid. So shortly after D was born, H had a vasectomy, because it was covered by my insurance, which I was going to lose by becoming a contractor." T: "I forget, one of you initially didn't want kids, right?" Me: "Yes, that was me. He always did. And a couple months before the wedding, I confirmed with him that he was OK not having them. Then I guess when I was...33? I was suddenly just like, 'I think I do want a kid!'" T: "That is pretty sudden! So what was the TMI thing again?" Me: "Oh, that was when, uh, that time of the month was late recently, but I wasn't concerned about being pregnant because, I mean, yeah, H had a vasectomy, but those can reverse themselves, but because we hadn't had sex in a couple months. So would have had to be immaculate conception." Brief discussion of vasectomies.

T mentioned the importance of physical intimacy in a marriage. Me: "Are you talking about actual sex or just touch in general?" T: "Both really." Me: "Hm...because there's really no physical touch with H. Like, we'll sit on opposite ends of the couch." T: "Do you think there's significance to that?" Me: "Maybe...because I mentioned a while ago how I was concerned that if, say, we were snuggling on the couch, he'd assume that we'd have sex, and then he'd feel rejected if I declined." T: "Have you talked about that?" Me: "A bit in marriage counseling. Ugh...now I'm having a flashback to a really awkward conversation in there..." T: "OK." Me: "Where ex-MC and H were talking about what blue balls felt like and...ugh. Sorry. Anyway..."

T said how touch in general can be important in a relationship. And asked if I'd talked about it recently with H. Me: "No. I guess I should. And the thing is, because of all that, he never initiates sex. I know because he doesn't want to put pressure on me, but... It's always on me. Which makes me feel...kind of undesirable." T: "That would be something to talk about with him." Me: "Yeah...I guess I should." T: "It would be good to let him know that you're not happy with your sex life either." Me: "Yeah..."

Me: "And I've made an effort. Like...I don't know if I've told you about this. But...uh...I got this subscription box, Fantasy Box, where it gives you a whole fantasy to act out, the props, and a script." T: "Did you talk to H about it first?" Me: "No...and that's perhaps where things went wrong. It was, uh, a Catholic schoolgirl thing. Which...maybe it was also a bad idea because H went to Catholic school. And I just tried to talk about it more generally in marriage counseling, but then H went into all this detail and...then I thought, 'great, now ex-MC is picturing me dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl...'" (Of course, then I started thinking T may have been picturing me that way, too....at least I didn't mention the lollipop part that H talked about in ex-MC session...)

T: "That seems like something from a sitcom. You're a writer, you should write a sitcom about therapy. What do they need for a season, like 30 episodes? You could do that." Me: "Yeah, maybe I should. Or do the memoir, then the sitcom based on the memoir." T: "You like Seinfeld, right? It could be like that." Me: "Yeah. So wait, now am I going to owe you royalties for this?" T: "No, no royalties. But you could do part in a therapy session, then maybe put Psych Central in there in some way." Me: "Yeah."

I ended up talking about how H would say we don't have any hobbies in common, but we both do fantasy football, so I feel like that should count. Me: "I know this probably sounds bad, but...I mean, I bet a lot of guys would wish their wife was as into football as I am. But with H...it often seems like he thinks it's an annoyance. Like I'll send him updates on Sundays as he's out with D, and he'll be like, 'I'm busy right now!'" T: "Hm, seems like he has trouble handling multiple things at once. How is he when you talk to him about stuff generally? Like stuff you have in common?" Me: "Well, I mean, he'll talk about his work to me. Or his hobby with homebrewing, like issues he's having right now with the kegerator." T kinda laughed. Me: "Do you know what a kegerator is?" T: "No, but it's a funny word." Me: "Yeah, it is." I gave brief description of kegerator (basically, a system where you have taps at home for beer).

T suggested I talk to H about what I thought we had in common. I said I wondered if H wanted me to be more interested in [the sport he follows most and referees some youth games for. Like did I need to push myself to be more interested in that? T said I should just ask him about it.

T asked if I talked about stuff going on with me with him, like what I talked about in therapy. I said I did, but at one point, like 6 months ago, he said all I talk about is therapy. Which isn't at all true. Like I don't have many work stories since I work from home. But I talk about lots of different things, and on one date night shortly after that, I even listed all the things we'd talked about, to show it wasn't all therapy or even anywhere close. I said that's part of my talking about football with him, that I would think it would be something he'd want to talk about, but it just seems to irritate him. And I'm not sure what's OK to talk about. So T suggested we discuss with H what topics would be good to talk about. (incidentally, I think T would have made a really good marriage counselor for me and H...)

At some point in there, I was looking outside and said, "Sorry, I'm watching a bird. I'm listening though!" T: "Oh, I thought you were looking at the clock." Me: "Nope, bird."

I mentioned the fights with H over the past week. I said how one was where he yelled at me because I tried to talk to him while D was talking to him. Me: "Is that like an ADHD thing maybe, where that's an issue for him?" T: "It could be partly. It can often be difficult for someone with ADHD to handle two inputs happening at once." Me: "OK." T: "But it also sounds like he has issues with controlling his emotional reaction to things. So it may be both." Me: "OK...because with ex-MC...he would tend to say that H yelling was normal, that I was overreacting and needed to accept it." T: "I think that H is having trouble controlling his emotions." Me: "Yeah...I think part of the issue with our marriage counseling is, it seemed like I was the one with all the issues, who had to make all the adjustments. Where I felt like...it should have been both of us trying to make changes. But ex-MC seemed to think everything was fine with H. Which...it was hard because, if I'd talk to ex-MC outside of session, like on email or the phone, he seemed to really support me. But in session, it was H that was fine and me with the problems..." I forget what T said to that--I know it seemed supportive.

Somewhere in there, I mentioned how, though it seems cliche, I wished H would get me flowers, like when I finished my master's, times like that. But he said at one point how he didn't know what I was allergic to. Me: "I mean, I guess I'm allergic to roses, but there are a lot of other flowers out there." T: "You're allergic to roses!?!" Me: "Yeah...but I'd manage. But if I asked him to buy me flowers and then he did, it wouldn't have the same meaning." T: "Why not?" Me: "Hm...I don't know." T: "It's like you ask for something once, then see if the other person does it. If you have to keep asking, then it might lose its meaning." Me: "Yeah..."

We ended up on some tangent, and he said, "I just want to let you know we have 5 minutes left, so if you want to switch to another topic, we can." We ended up talking for another 10 minutes about more stuff with H. I noticed the time before T did and pulled out my phone to schedule. Confirmed Thursday time, scheduled for next week.

I went over to pay. T: "So I have more thoughts on the sitcom. There should probably be three elements. So it can be your personal life, then you in therapy session, and then something with Psych Central." Me: "Yes, that would work. Are you going to expect royalties?" T: "No." We shook hands in the midst of that, a very warm handshake. Me, heading out: "I can at least thank you in the credits." T: "No need to do that." Me: "OK, but I should." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."