Lol. My mother was very, very nice to most people. To them, she was a model mother. She was toxic and caustic to her children. I have one sibling who completely cut her out of his life 25 years ago and has never looked back. He displayed zero symptoms of NPD, he did it to remove himself from a toxic relationship. I tried to be in her life, but she would cut me out of her life for up to two years at a time for a minor or even imagined misdeed. One time she cut me out of her life for two years because we were driving around and I asked her if she was hungry. She said "no, I'm not hungry." Apparently, since she wasn't hungry, I wasn't supposed to stop at McDonalds and eat. I stopped to get food and I ate. She completely stopped talking to me as I ate and was seething mad. She wouldn't talk to me for two years after that misbehaviour on my part.

You see, I was disagreeing with her. My hunger opposed her non-hunger. And since she wasn't hungry, I wasn't supposed to eat. I ate without her approval. That was me being defiant. I didn't say anything except "well I'm hungry, so I'll grab some food from that McDonalds." That's it. Offence: eating. Sentence: Two years of anger.

When she was about 79, I had chosen to remove myself from her toxicity permanently. By that time, she was unable to hide her disorder from others. My cousin actually said "your mother has become extremely hostile and mean." I said "she was like that from when I was five years old." He realized for the first time that she had always been toxic to her children. Then he said "I guess it got harder and harder for her to hide it as she got older." This was the first time anyone other than me and my husband (and siblings) knew what she was really like.

My husband continued to visit her 1-2 times a year. One day he went there and saw that she was sprinkling pepper on the floor, just inside her apartment door so she could "prove people were coming into her apartment and stealing her money." She hid money all around her apartment. Then I think she would forget where she put it and would believe someone had somehow gotten in while she was away and found her hiding place. I called the local hospital, told them what she was doing and requested a visit from a psychiatric nurse. All this time we didn't know what exactly was wrong with her.

The nurse called me to report her visit and findings and said:

"If you are waiting for your mother to love you, it's never going to happen. I shouldn't tell you anything about her, as that's against policy, but you seem to need to know what's really happening. Your mother is the most manipulative person I've ever met and I've been a psychiatric nurse for many years."

Then this nurse proceeded to tell me how my mother gave her a list of things to do for her: groceries, pick up my prescription, etc. When the nurse told her she wasn't there to do those things, my mother grew hostile and angry. Case solved.

She told me my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which meant she was incapable of love. At that exact moment my life made sense for the first time. It wasn't that she didn't love me, she didn't love anyone. In addition, it explained why she was so manipulative, controlling and downright nasty to her own children. It wasn't just about not being able to love another, she was toxic, nasty and unbearable. The times when she cut me out of her life, in retrospect, were blessings of time away from the nastiness.

My daughter operates slightly differently. When she turns on you, she remains in your presence, but makes her disapproval known by throwing a wall up around herself and shutting you out. it's obvious that's what's happening. The most recent incident caused her to stay almost completely silent for 2-3 hours. I'm okay with that. If you want to stay silent that's fine. I chose to talk to others in the room and if she wants to sulk, that's okay. It's her loss, not mine. But the way this all manifests is similar. It all boils down to not disagreeing with her. That was the only way to get along with my own mother. Agree with everything she says.

In my opinion, there is no positive way to interact with people who have NPD. At least that did not work for me with my own mother. I think my daughter has a much reduced case of NPD. She's very nice to her co-workers and friends, but not so nice to us. And she let's us know she's not going to be nice, because she doesn't feel like it. I can't imagine her going to dinner at her friend's house and then throwing on her earbuds and watching a movie on her phone and completely ignoring her friend.

I think what may work for me is to keep the visits infrequent and short. And figure out a way to side-step issues that might end up with her throwing up a wall around herself. I'm simply not smart enough to navigate this ground without accidentally stepping on a landmine. I'd love to help her, but I don't think I have the ability to do that.

Thank you to everyone for your comments. And I apologize to anyone who may have read this thread and was hurt by my words. I'm just trying to figure out how to be at peace with everyone.