Because I didn't want to believe I was assaulted twice, by two separate people, on the same day.

Because I never should've let a stranger drive me home
Because even though I said "I don't want anything sexual," I let him keep flirting
Because when he [ trigger ]stopped the car next to an empty field and stuck his fingers inside me[ /trigger ], I froze up instead of fighting him off
Because I was wearing lacy lingerie, so I must've wanted it
Because [ trigger ]he made me come[ /trigger ], and he knew it
Because I eventually consented to [ trigger ]give him head[ /trigger ] out of fear he would hurt me if I didn't (though he pushed me further anyway)
Because I thought "it was more coercive than nonconsensual"
Because I didn't want to have to explain the rest of my recent sex life to the police
Because by the time I realized I had been violated and wasn't just freaking out about nothing, I had already blocked his messages and forgotten his name

Because he was supposed to be my friend
Because we had already been kissing
Because I wasn't sure that "I'm not comfortable with you [doing the specific thing he started doing two seconds later]" was an explicit enough no
Because how was I the victim [ trigger ]if he went down on me[ /trigger ]?
Because once I realized it was assault, it was two weeks before he was supposed to leave for Europe
Because he was really popular in my college dance scene and I thought the organizers wouldn't believe me and everyone would hate me
Because I didn't want to "ruin his life"
Because my own mother told me that letting him into my room was implicit consent