Really sorry you are going through this. I can relate. If it helps, I was where you are 6 months ago. I felt numb for quite a while. Now I don’t. I fluctuate still, but less, and I can tell what is “disease” and what is me. Most of the time. This is with being medicated 10 months. I feel like I a zeroing in on stability. I bet you will too. It’s an infuriatingly long road, I know.