My former T and I... had heated discussions on the "truth"...

She... did not believe in DID... she told me that repeatedly.. she told me they don't teach it in school any more.. and that it simply and completely does not exist..

Sooo... for 4 years... I thought I was going insane... had been DXed years ago.. and ended up due to fianancial reasons.. with this T...

So... she told me... that everything is black and white.. with no gray...yepper.. it is true..for her.. that is how she saw everything...

So... in her world... my alters suffered... because within the DID realm.... it is "gray"...but in her world of black and white... I lied...

one event... can be "seen"... many different ways... not just one clean cut way...every alter "experiences" the same event differently....

But.. if you take the DID out of the equation.. then what you have is lies...

I realized... today.... how profoundly I was impacted by my former T... how I tried so very hard to "act" as a "whole" person... but I have alters.. and my life is frequently "chaos" from all the alters " doing their own thing"....

I guess... after the 14 months I have spent with this new T, I can finally... and I mean finally forgive myself... for not meeting my former T's standards... I never would be able to... because I do have alters...

I am sure none of what I am saying makes sense... I don't know how to communicate... the intense.. I mean intense pain.. that my former T .... caused by not recognizing DID.....

As a DID... person..... treated as a person with no alters - you see my actions IRL... make no sense to anyone..... so I appear...inconsistent... chaotic

She always wanted me to "single thread"... take one issue.. and do homework.. and follow that one issue.. from beginning to end... even if it took 2 months of sessions.... and I realized today.. I didn't fail.. because what she wanted.. was impossible for me to give...
Alters..."pop" up and want their time in session.. and want their issues listened to....trying to suppress that... nearly... did cause me to "lose it"...

sorry.. am not sure what this post is...

is not a rant...

I think.. a recognition of who I am... and that as DID.. I am OK... and that.... what my former T did... hurt a great deal......and I can now let it go... because it wasn't a failure on my end...just a "miss match" of patient and T...