Because... of my son... I never "allow" myself to think about my abusive ex-husband... married at 19... for 12 years....the following 23 years of raising our son..

Civilized conversations after the divorce across the dinner table - sharing my son's life.. his birthdays at my home... holidays at my home... my ex always bring his "current" g/f.... everything just so civilized... you know...

I sat... with my rapest...cutting.. birthday cake... I sat with the man.. that threw me into walls... that gave me bruises... that took my head.. and banged it repeatedly.. into the wall....I sat with the man.. that kicked me... who said unspeakable things to me..I sat with the man.. that yanked my arm up behind my back with such force.. he damaged... the scapula.. and all the supporting muscles... leaving me.. to battle.. in physical therapy... recovering for years.. I sat with the man... that paid no child support... yet.. enjoyed.. having his son...

So... for 20 some years... I sat across from this man.. in a civialized manner... and cooked dinners... for..his visitation with our son...for holidays... for birthdays.. for barbaques..

Never saying a word... never complaining... pasting a smile on my face.. stuffing my feelings... for the sake and the health of our son...

And today... it occurred to me... that wow... someday this man will be dead... that he will die... and that I will be going to his funneral..

and.. that I will be happy....

then I think... how can I be happy.. for something that will cause my son... such terrible pain..

When do I...get... to be happy.... when do I get justice...

is there any justice......????????????????????????

do I matter..... or is all about my son??? now an adult... do I ever get to scream????

you see.. I learned... how to cry.. without making a sound... in the shower... at night late in bed....