There was no radiator
In one room when
They split the biggest room.
I got a halogen heater.
My brother was
Always at his Nans
When it was his,
So the problem had never
Been addressed. But
I wasn't like him.
Now it was mine,
They got switched
When I forayed
To share a flat,
With two pals,
And then returned not
Even three months in.
I got a chest infection.
Because the heater
Left traces of mould.
I always cleaned
It off but I had
A chesty cold
And stupidly put
It on high. When I
Should have sat
With my parents in
The living room.
But things just
Weren't the same
After all that had
Happened. And I
Had to flip my
Mattress when my
Back was aching.
And they didn't bat
An eyelid when I
Tried to hint I
Needed a new one
Or help with with a little
Money towards one.
My back was in
Pain from the small
To the shoulder blades.
I was granted silence.
I was working and
Responsible for My own welfare.
It was just a single bed.
I had a room with
A bed, a tv on top
Of a chest of drawers.
I can't remember where
I hung or stored my clothes.
It wouldnt have
Made any difference
If we got a three
Bedroom flat when
They wouldn't pay
For any furniture for
The rooms. And
Neither me or my brother
Could have had friends
Even with bigger rooms.
Because nothing came
In the way of their routines.
So no noise would
Have been tolerated.
My mum and dad
Had no give or take.
While we are at
The pub, you
Can have a couple
Of friends over. No.
Hang at my friends
Boyfriend. No either.
So I could only see
Them if they were
At the park.
Hence why I am
Missing from the
"Best summer ever."
I wasn't allowed
To see my own
Friends. Because of
The gang of boys
They associated with.
Yet none of them
Took drugs. And
Couldn't afford to drink,
That often at all.
So one called me weird.
I had to follow their rules.
My parents were
Authoritarian to me.
Yet they were,
Not responsible adults.
It was a confusing contradiction.
They partied liked
Teenagers yet did,
Everything in their power
To keep me in place.
They tried to steer
Me to the military
Just so I was gone
At sixteen.

They did threaten
To pack me suitcase,
When I came in late.
If we were out
At the park,
In our usual spots.
A lot of the time
They were still out
Drinking when I got
Home and I got
To watch the film channels.
As a kid if I lost
Track of time
And was all of ten
Minutes late I was
Clouted across the head
More than once.
And they would
Scream blue murder at me.
I resented them
To the bone.
And I prayed that
God had taken me
In place of D,
Because I didn't
Know how to
Be happy. You can't
Tell when your
Excited about anything
Most of the time said,
One of my pals.
That changed after
The holiday with
My parents. I
Couldn't show I was
Enjoying myself. That
Was why they
Went scatty at me
And walked all
Over me. Forcing
Me to clean up
Someone else's puke.
I welcomed the mania
With open arms.
And made people laugh.