Please don't hate yourself. You have a very challenging family situation! Like you wrote:So, in each scenario, the mad does not dissipate, the relationship does not repair.

I haven't personally experienced a NPD parent, but I've seen a friend go through therapy about that and some of what you describe. It's very tricky, deep abandonment and the complications of emotional reactions and what spins off of that.

Good for you practising self-care with the DBT book. Ya, that's a positive step in all the turmoil - please tell yourself how cool that is instead of hating.

What I'm learning to do is to take holidays from self-hate, just to say I will love myself for a few minutes, one hour, I will try not hating myself just for one day. Be kind. Slow down.