I am doing everything in my power to get myself out of poverty. Just briefly, I am gathering every resource around me, pulling my skills and talents together to earn a living for myself and get OFF of welfare. A lifelong dream come true for me would be to empower others to do the same.

Raised in a violent, abusive environment by my sadistic, manipulative, narcissistic psychopath mother and my two older sisters she groomed to be her thugs, I barely remember any of my childhood. It is almost an entire blank. Catapulted into alcoholism, my self-destructive behavior could have cost me my life and the lives of others. I would not get professional help until I was in my thirties.

That professional help would cover thousands of hours of psychotherapy, recovery and sheer determination to gain and maintain relief. I faced my self-loathing, self-destructive, fragile self to heal my wounded self-esteem. Now, today, I am happy, productive and going forward.

Our mindset is key to everything. Our self-esteem determines everything in our lives.

E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

Look around you. You see reflections of your self-esteem, your personality, your “you”.

If you want to improve your surroundings, you must improve your self-esteem.

That may sound simple, but it can take years of hard work and dedication to better yourself. It is also the most important work you can do for yourself because, as you heal and grow, people around you change. People will enter your life and leave your life. You will gain a clearer understanding on how life works and you will want to embrace changes because you see the genuine, lasting benefits. This work is worth every tear you shed, every negative emotion you face and get through because you will feel good about yourself. No alcoholic beverage, drug or self-sedating behavior can produce that long-lasting happiness feeling good about yourself produces.

Now, when I was in full swing self-destruction mode, I felt terrible about myself. An idea of what I could do to better my life would cross my mind, then I would pounce on it degrading myself.

I hope you are wondering why.

Because those three monsters I wrote about in my second paragraph instilled my hateful internal dialogue which I repeated to myself nonstop. I grew up hearing it with no one to tell me different.

Can you relate to what I am saying? Do you have a nasty inner dialogue in your head? I have worked on that also, and while mine has not gone away completely, it is much better than it was because my self-esteem is healing.

That nasty dialogue kept me using alcohol and living in poverty. My self-worth was almost non-existent and my life reflected that.

But, as I got through my mental health impairments and felt happy and motivated, I realized something ALL of us have buried under our pain and wounded selves: the ability to live happy and productive lives.

If you are not living the life you know exists deep inside you, you need a plan and solutions to reach it. That can be in many forms, but for me, it began with professional help and reading every book I could find that covered topics I needed to understand. I discovered Dr. Nathaniel Branden and his books on self-esteem along my way. I encourage you to look into them.

Now, the most powerful habit I have made second nature is accepting what is bothering me. There were a lot of monstrous thoughts, but there were several that took me time to realize they had to go because I was used to them flying around in my head. I pace myself carefully because I want these good habits to lock into place. Plus, taking my time allows me to be thorough.

Accepting what we cannot change is crucial to healing. It doesn’t mean approving of what happened. If it is part of your reality, as unfeeling as accepting it sounds, it can heal you and even open the way for you to manage it easier. Your emotions are trying to get your attention to let you know you have work to do. Those nasty, painful feelings have to go. They are not part of your natural makeup; they don’t belong to you. If they were part of you, they would chill out and settle down.

Once you get through them however suits you the best, they weaken. Some will require more time. Everyone is different. You do what works for you. That is your privilege and responsibility.

For me, the worst I had to face was my reality where my mother and two older sisters abused me routinely. I cannot remember one happy time. I cannot remember any Holiday celebrations and only snapshots of two birthdays. I remember what school I was in by the state where we lived, but I cannot remember the names of all my schools or the names of my teachers.

Was that painful to get through? It almost crippled me but I got through it. I kept going back to it to make sure I worked through it the best I could. I was in psychotherapy then and my therapist suggested hypnotherapy because I could not figure out why I kept sabotaging myself. We did that, and I recorded the session so I could work on it at home. I listened to it several times a day and cried as much as I needed. I wanted that behind me and I worked hard on it. Not long after, maybe a month, I felt real happiness. That was a first for me; I had never felt real happiness before.

Another benefit for me has been writing about my experiences hoping to inspire others to seek the answers they need, plus, let them know they are not alone. There are millions around the world who can relate to what each of us is going through. The events will be different but the underlying emotions are the same. Shame, guilt, low self-esteem, and more; we share these. And if we do the work to get past them and heal, we can help others if they want.

Accepting our painful emotions to heal them is natural. And, I have yet to experience anything that brings me more authentic joy than empowering others to better their lives.