Ok... so i am not feeling too good today either. I am not feeling as self-destructive as at this time last week though, which is good... kind of anyway. I was pretty scared of myself last week, afraid that i would cause myself too much damage if I ODed. though i did nothing. but anyway... today i having been thinking in a kind of abstract way about suicide... i have had it in a vague way all this week but because i am feeling so bad today, it is kind of strong. my best friend rang me just before; we ended up talking for nearly an hour lol. her 21st birthday is in October, and she was talking about her plans for her party and i was kind of silent and she said, 'You are coming to it, aren't you?' and i said yes... but really i was wondering if i would be alive in October. but i couldnt say that obviously as it would freak her out. i told her i was depressed and not feeling too good, but she doesnt know how bad i am.

i see my counsellor on Wednesday. i dont want to tell her that i am starting to have suicidal thoughts. it is only last week that i told her i had started SI-ing. and i dont want to be put in hospital. but i know i have to start taking action now, but i dont know what i am meant to do. i am not taking meds and nor do i want to, but maybe since my depression is getting this bad, i should. i dont know. i dont even know why i am getting suicidal, my feeling of depression isnt intolerable or anything. though i think my feelings are slowly shutting down maybe. i am definitely finding it hard to have loving feelings any more. i am so glad i have you guys here. it is hard to confide in my feelings so publicly and i keep thinking that there is little point in me posting it, but i will do it anyway.

hopefully this post wont be pulled for the suicide part. i am just venting i guess.