That strong need to fight back is possibly PTSD. For me it manifests into emotional dysregulation. I start to tell the abuser how much they hurt me (fighting back), they NEVER show empathy or compassion, so my emotions blow up into a crying fit (then comes SH). This is my trigger, it’s been a pattern, yours is probably different. It all goes back to early childhood trauma and the same situation has happened over and over. It just happened again this week. I now see it so clearly for what it is. Maybe now I can stop it!

Your ex used and abused you and there’s nothing you can say or do to get him to show remorse. The DBT workbook radical acceptance is something good for you to read.

That’s what I’m doing.

As for exes who used and abused me in the past, I got over them in time. The anger went away on its own. Occasionally I recall the incident and a twinge of anger and pain comes back, but only for a moment. Nothing good became of any of the bad guys and that’s comforting to me.