I've had trouble getting out of bed for months. I kept hoping i'd pull out of this depressive episode on my own I was totally off meds convinced the psychiatrict hospital and then three separate psychiatrists I saw from 2002-2010 were all wrong. I forgot i told myself I would never be one of those bipolar people who go off their meds because they think their fine and don't need them. I've spent years since convinced something else was wrong with me. Now i cant believe I went off med's. I had my psychiatry apt yesterday a and we talked about option we could take right now to get me through the next week she doesn't want to start lithium till shes sure i'm not having seizures. But I feel like I'm treading water and exhausted and about to go under.

She said most people would be in a hospital during an episode like this and told me i should just tell my kids in a mild way whats going on so they know im a form of sick because they keep asking to have friends over and do all these thing but I can't get out of bed. My husband has basically taken over housework after his regular work and he's tired too. The psych said my insurance will pay for an aid to come help in my home during the day but im too embarrassed. She said i should tell my mother in law whos coming over christmas because them she'll have more of an "I'm here to help" attitude than a " Take care of me as a guest " attitude.

1. I'm embarrassed my kids might bring it up at school or to their friends
2. I don't want to worry them. I feel like telling them I need a break and am not feeling great should be enough.
3. If I was dying from cancer and in chemo or needed a heart transplant I'd still feel odd having an aid in my home helping but I would def feel awful and shamed and embarrassed sleeping and having an aid help with stuff all day because of depression. I know it would help relieve my husband but I cant bring myself to do that.
4. Im good at pretending im okay for about 20 min then crashing and not being functional the rest of the day. This has gotten me by okay so far this school year.
5. My mother in law is a great loving person but she's a southerner who gossips about all the other family members- kind and polite with a big mouth.

When my kids were little and i was on med's and stable i had bipolar held against me and had friends walk slowly and politely away.
I think this still hurts me.

I have a friend who's bipolar who started medicine 2 years ago and i wanted to be open and talk to her but at the time I was still convinced i was fine and had narcolepsy or a connective tissue disorder or cancer and didn't want to bring up the bipolar disorder diagnosis in my past because why tell her when I was okay and didn't "REALLY" have it<---or so i felt at the time. Now I feel like if I tell her she going to be hurt I let her go through her diagnosis and getting on med's this whole time without t rusting her with my own delicate info. She's like a sister to me.

Good news is my psych yesterday started me immediately on buproprion she said it wont interfere with the EEG and she doesn't think it will make me manic. It is already kicking in- not sure why its working so fast maybe its a placebo effect of having a light at the end of a tunnel but I don't feel strong enough to swim out of the riptide Im just barely holding my head above the water 50 ft from shore but I'm thinking a little more clearly and my focus is better.

I was surprised she allowed this my old psych insisted i be on a mood stabilizer before any antidepressant. Is wellbutrin- buprobrion different in this regard?

-Louise