Tonight's session was amazing. Although I didn't want to go (again) of course I did. I was able to quickly get in touch with why I was grouchy all day. The minute I started talking about a family member's illness I began to cry -- the tears just sprang forth seemingly out of nowhere.

As we talked through some more -- other -- stuff I began to dissociate. I told T I was becoming ungrounded and he asked me what triggered it. I went back to the illness of this family member. Then I went to our recent rupture and an association with the loss of my father. I realized that my best years with my father were the two before he died.

As I left session I had a sense of being small and T being big. This became very real to me in the car on the way home, as did the memory of the dissociation. I had a real sense of being outside myself. But for the first time I wasn't afraid. It was uncomfortable but I was not afraid because T was with me and jumped in and started talking as soon as I told him.

As I got closer to home I called T and left a message. (It's not at all unusual, in fact typical, for me to leave a post-session message.) I told him about the awareness of the dissociation and how I was grateful that he jumped in and began to talk. And then I told him about feeling small, and how I was able to reach in and feel my father's love. I thanked him. For the first time I am aware of holding feelings of love and hate at the same time for someone (my father).

Wow.