Hey, did Steinbeck go off to see his publisher?
I discovered something about annoying annoyance. Instead of saying, "Why don't you take responsibility..." I managed to say, "I need you to take responsibility for... I need help here." - and that shifted my level of anxiety and defensiveness, shifted the other person's defensiveness - things relaxed and became human.

I don't mean this as a verbal game but it seems to me that annoying annoyance comes from a frightened me that believes that other people can't be trusted to care about what I need... ever. But in fact most socialised people will go along with another person's need if it's not too costly for them... Hard for the frightened me to know.

That wouldn't exactly work in your frustrating business situations, but... I think I'm on to something. I can take a position of what I internally call "inclusion": "I need you to shift along a little". "I need you to consider this." Or I can fight myself, resist the feeling, get more anxious, get more insecure and untrusting like I always do, and create resistance and hostility.

Business power games require conflict, but the people who win are often the ones who can subliminally suggest inclusion?

I still feel frustrated with this person, and I need to sleep/ shut down after working with them, but something has given way in my defensiveness. The inside self needs to attune to joy, not annoyance, but often she couldn't figure out how