> fear

Yes. In the background of all the mixed feelings that is the real one.

One time I did not go. Many many times I do not want to go. So far it has worked out on the average for me to go, because for some reason I have gradually been better able to hold my own and I seem to be getting progressively better at understanding and explaining the reasons, for why I react the way I do to the T and the whole "mental health system." I have had a lot of experiences with mental health people that have been very damaging for me.