First, I wanted to talk about how I felt T didn't get why I'm scared and therefore doesn't get why I don't want to calm down or regulate or whatever he called it. He said that he can't read my mind but that he tries to understand the things I explain, so why do I not want to do these things? I said that I feel that even if I do these things now, it won't change that in the future I'll suffer. He wanted to know whether I meant that I wouldn't get better? I said no... so why do I think that? I asked whether he wants an in depth explanation of climate change.

He said that would be distracting from the real issue. Which is that I seem to set reality and my thoughts and feelings equal. He explained that there are two states (actually more than two, but we'd discuss two for now) that your mind can have. One is something he called 'psychic equivalence'. He said that's what I seem to do when I'm the way I was on Wednesday or in some other sessions. In that state you feel that reality and your feelings are the same. If reality is bad, your feelings are bad. And if reality is good, so are your feelings. They are locked together and change with each other. Then there's also the pretend mode, where your feelings and reality are the complete opposite. Reality is horrible but you feel great. People in that state sometimes don't even notice what's going on around them, they seem to live in their fantasy. He said I also go into that mode at some points, but I didn't really get which situations he meant, though I do believe him when he says I do that.
I said the first state sounds pretty normal to me, why would you not feel like **** if reality is ****? He answered that it probably felt pretty normal to me, but that mentally healthy people usually manage to get into some kind of mixture of the two states. They have reality which is bad, but their feelings are not all bad, though they still know what reality is.

He asked whether I understood what he was trying to explain, which I did. But I also said that while it sounds like it would be nice to be in that mixed state, it doesn't sound like it would help in the long run. At some point things are going to go down and I'll go back to that equivalence mode. T said that all people experience those two states sometimes, especially the equivalence one. He himself does sometimes when he's not doing well. But if you're healthy you'll normally be in a mixture, so you won't go back to that all the time. I said let's imagine we live in Syria, I think the norm would be that equivalence state. He said yeah, but if that state was the norm, we'd already be in a war for a while... I told him that if that happens, I'll be doing much worse than most people simply because my emotions go all over the place. That's why I want to die, I don't want to end up like that. T asked whether I meant I'd like to run from suffering before it happens, which I confirmed. He answered that this reminded him of a situation he experienced in primary school. He was about 8 or 9 years old. He and his friends swore that when they'd turn 40, they'd climb the Eiffel tower and jump down. Since they'd be old at that point and being old didn't sound good. He said that he's usually careful with such images, but that it might help to see that he at some points also thought like that. But that now he has visited the tower multiple times and never jumped down. And his friends also didn't consider it, else they'd have contacted him.

T said that I seemed quite relaxed, whether I could feel that, because that'd be the state where you'd really feel yourself instead of reality or something else. I agreed that I was relaxed and said I can at least feel I am.

After a bit of silence, I said I think my partner's not happy at the moment. Because I want to pick up a new hobby, sport shooting. T asked whether I'd want to do it with real weapons or air pistols. I said real guns, those that can kill people... To my surprise, T was enthusiastic and thought it was a great idea! He said it would be great for me to join a club, as well as to do something where you have to concentrate and empty your mind. He said my partner is probably worried since I'm rather impulsive. I nodded. Then I said that if I wanted to die, I could already do that now, I don't need a gun for that. So I'm not too worried about that. T agreed and said how of course there's some responsibilites that come with owning a weapon, but that he's not too worried either. I was rather glad about that, since it really does sound like a lot of fun.

Then we quickly discussed how I felt bad for making him angry last session. He had asked me about how he might have felt after some things that I said in that session, which I had thought was mad, frustrated and worried. And now I felt like I shouldn't share everything with him, since he confirmed that those were his feelings back then. He told me that's not the intention at all. That I should learn how other people might react to the things I tell them, but that doesn't mean that I can't share these things with him. That the most important part about therapy is to be open about things you are thinking about. It was nice to hear that.

Then we confirmed for next Wednesday and I left.