T yesterday. Went back and sat down, commented on the weather. We talked a bit about my D's sleeping issues, and the lack of sleep is causing stress for H and me, plus making D cranky in the mornings, which makes H get irritable, etc. T commented on how tough that can be, adding: "The word you're looking for is s***show." Me: "Yes, exactly!"

T asked if there was anything leading up to my email/text Sunday that we hadn't gotten to last session. I started with update on H, how I'd talked to him briefly about what I considered to be "fights" in the previous week. T: "I'm guessing he didn't think of them as fights?" Me: "Exactly. He acted like two were no big deal and the third, he said was all his fault, his oversleeping. We'd had this discussion over email, and I replied to the part about oversleeping, saying I appreciated him saying it was his fault. But that he also never apologized to how he acted to me that morning. And H didn't reply to that..."

Me: "So I don't know how to talk to him about some of this stuff if he doesn't even consider it a fight." T: "Have you asked him what he does consider them?" Me: "No, I would guess maybe just an irritation?" T: "It could be helpful to find out what his language is for them so you can discuss them." Me: "Hm, good point. I think it's just hard because if I consider it a fight and he considers it this minor thing, then..." T: "Then it feels like he thinks you're making too big of a deal out of it?" Me: "Yes, like I'm overreacting, being too sensitive. I guess I just need to try talking about it." T: "You want him to know what effect it has on you." Me: "Yeah, where it's something that's been bothering me all day, while he immediately forgot about it."

I said also how he might think that if he's stressed because of work and takes it out on me, that because he says it's not about me, then it's fine. T said that's a coping mechanism some people use. That emotions build up, and they have to do something with them. He asked if he'd act that way (like yelling at me and D) to his coworkers, particularly his boss. I said no. He asked about his mom, other family. Me: "His Mom? Yes." T: "Well, then it could be helpful to think about why he feels OK expressing those feelings to those people. Maybe because he feels comfortable with you and them?" Me: "Maybe. Is it kind of like...how a kid--like my D--can hold it together at school but then gets home and lets it all out because they feel safe with their parents?" T: "Sort of like that." Me: "Hmm."

T said how there are other ways to let the emotions out, but you have to let them out somehow. Me: "Like exercise?" T: "Well, exercise can help with stress, but not as much in getting feelings out. I mean more talking to people about it, journaling, reflecting on it, praying..." I burst out laughing. Me: "Sorry, I just can't imagine H praying. He went to Catholic school but isn't religious at all." T: "OK, so maybe not that." T said it seems like my main way of processing emotions is reflecting on them myself, that I do talk to friends about things and post on PC, but much of it is internal, that even in posting, it's partly me processing it. Me: "I agree." T: "And that can be a good way to handle it--it's not like you're going to be gossiping to yourself about you, like (in different voices), 'I can't believe LT did this.' 'I know, right?'"

T said he wasn't sure because he doesn't know H, but he gets the sense he doesn't process things internally so much. That he just does things and goes about his day and doesn't necessarily reflect on them. Me: "Yeah, I agree. And it's weird, I used to be more drawn to guys who were really reflective. But I think H appealed to me because I thought he'd help balance me out, like he seemed laid back, though he hates that term." T: "And maybe he was drawn to you because he thought you'd balance him out. The opposites attract thing. Of course, those can also be the things that drive you crazy when you've been together a long time." Me: "Yeah..."

Later in session, I brought up how a couple years ago, I'd been talking to H about wanting him to really listen and have more empathy for stuff I was dealing with, like in therapy, etc. And H said, "Well, I want you to clean the house more." T: "Ha! So there's an example of you being in totally different places about things, having a completely different conversation." Me: "Yeah...and also shows that he's not looking for me as much to meet his emotional needs."

We discussed a recent conflict I'd had with a friend, where she was upset with me over something I'd said. Then I explained, and she explained, and we worked it through right then. T: "Good! Isn't it nice when it happens that way?" Me: "Yes, it is. I'm just not used to it."

Then I said I'd gotten together the week before with a friend I'd recently met in our local online autism group and our kids. How I was worried about what to say to her because her H had died a couple months ago (T: "Oh wow"), but apparently I did OK because she invited me to do something in a couple weeks. Me: "So it's kind of like I have a new friend." T: "That's kinda funny, like something you'd say in elementary school: 'I have a new friend!'" Me (laughing): "Yeah, though it can be hard to make friends as an adult." T: "True.

I glanced at the time. We had maybe 10 minutes left. Me: "So...back to stuff from Sunday, I realize now that the email I sent you wasn't what I should have said." T: "What do you mean? I don't recall anything particularly strange in it. Maybe I should go back and read it." Me: "No, not that there was anything weird. It's more that it was 'here's some good stuff I've done,' then 'I'm struggling right now,' then 'so you can definitely make Monday's session, right?' Like I downplayed how badly I was doing. And how you responded to the email made perfect sense in terms of what I said. So I had no reason to be disappointed with it. But I should have just been more straightforward with how I was feeling and what I was asking for." T: "Why do you think you weren't just straightforward?" Me: "Maybe I was afraid to be? And I wanted to show you I was doing good stuff, too?"

T: "This might come back to something I mentioned a few weeks ago, my reticence in telling you I thought you were making progress. That you might feel you had to show me how good you were doing and not show the less good stuff." Me: "Hm...I'm not sure it was totally about that, like I had worried about sharing these sorts of things with you before you told me that. Like afraid to tell you how bad I was feeling..." T: "But maybe it still ties into your wanting to be the 'A' student. I think you'd also do much better with stuff with your mom if you could let go of that need." Me: "Yeah."

Me (crying a little): "So...regarding the question you asked me when I texted (and still sorry about that)." T: "Are you safe?" Me: "Yes, that question. What would have happened if I'd said no? I mean, I assume you'd have just sent me the number for a crisis line or told me to go to the ER, right? Or would you have sent the cops or something?" T: "In most cases, I'd have been able to talk to you for a bit. Sunday night was just an exception." Me: "I mean, I know, it was a Sunday night, so I couldn't expect..." T: "It wasn't that, it was just that particular night." Me: "Oh, OK..."

Me: "And I guess...maybe I don't know what your definition of 'safe' is.

Me: "And, OK I know we have to stop, but I guess I also don't know what you think would constitute a crisis. Like what if I defined it differently." T: "I think this is a good topic to discuss more in depth. I wouldn't want to give an off-the-cuff answer right now that you might misinterpret." Me: "OK, that makes sense. Sorry for bringing it up at the end...but yes, we can discuss on Monday. Maybe in the meantime I can give more thought to what I consider a crisis?" T: "That's a good idea."

Confirmed schedule, went over to pay. I told T I was doing a 5K Saturday, but was just planning to walk it. Me: "I'm concerned they'll be annoyed with me." T: "Who?" Me: "The people in charge of the race. Like if I take too long. I think I can finish in under an hour." T reassured me that it would be fine. Me: "OK, that helps." T shook my hand, saying "Good luck in the race!" Me: "Thanks!" T: "Break a leg--that's a way of saying good luck." Me: "I know! Thanks." T: "See you Monday." Me: "See you then."