Came in after having to take the whole week off because of the damn depression. Was not feeling good--had tears in my eyes on and off even though I am not a frequent crier.

We talked a bit about how the depression feels, how sometimes when I feel depressed the accompanying sadness reminds me of things I've lost. Then he who must not be named wanted to talk about how I experience relationships when the depression is bad. I told him about how my friends are checking on me and coming to my place to watch movies and dragging me outside. I told him about this guy I'm involved with who came over and brought ice cream and turned on a TV show and held me for a long time. HWMNBN was impressed that I'd asked the guy if he was hanging out with me just because he likes having sex with me (just to be clear this guy and I have a good relationship and I asked him in a nice way, not in an accusatory way) and the guy responded "no of course not, we can stop having sex if you'd like, I still want to spend time with you." And then he stayed the night and didn't initiate any funny business which was nice.

We talked about my need for caretaking and how I feel ashamed about that need 'cause my mom like projectile vomits her needs all over the place and I am disgusted by that. (I interpret that as "Because my mom's way of expressing needs is gross, I have come to believe that needs are gross" whereas HWMNBN thinks it's because I have merged my identity with my mother's yadda yadda yadda. This is not a man who has internalized Occam's razor.) He said that he thinks that my depression is at least in part due to the fact that this is the only way I know how to express needs is if I'm suicidally depressed, that if I learn to experience and express these needs in a different way I will not have such a heavy burden of disease. He said he wants me to try thinking of my depression as a request rather than something that is inflicted on me by my brain or the outside world.

I told him I was not feeling patient, that therapy effects change at a glacial pace, that I dunno if it even works (b/c I've done a lot of it and it hasn't helped). He said, "I feel like reassuring you" (which is the sort of phrase that drives me bonkers because only a therapist would say, "I feel like reassuring you" rather than just providing some effing reassurance). I said that even if he were to attempt to reassure me, I wouldn't buy it, not entirely because I lack faith in him personally but because I doubt that the problem I have can be fixed or even helped by therapy. Then he said, "and also, I'm very good." I rolled my eyes and put my head in my hands and he said, "I'm kidding. But not entirely." I said, "that's the trouble, that you're not entirely kidding. That sort of crap makes me want to throw you out a window. Not an especially high window, but still." He laughed and said, "well you're getting in touch with your desires, that's good!"

We were past tine, so I had to go. He said, "I hope you feel better." I said, "yeah, me too."

A half-hour later when I was still in group he sent a follow-up email about more stuff he wants me to think about this week. I have a feeling this is going to devolve into discussion of how I have tested HWMNBN by "de-valuing our work together" (a phrase that spends about as much time in his mouth as does the pen cap he's constantly chewing on).

Hi [chihirochild],

I just wanted to add one additional thing for you to think about this week, as a follow up from our discussion today. I really appreciated your insight about the way in which you were potentially “testing” [the guy I mentioned] (sp?) to see if he really was wanting to be with you, rather than just using you. It could be important for us to explore together for their other ways in which you might test people in your life, consciously but also less than consciously, especially when you are in the midst of your depressive episodes, but also perhaps through withdrawal, avoidance, or anger/frustration towards others. Not sure if that is relevant at all, but just wanted to throw it out there. “Testing” of course implies a wish, but a wish that is hidden and thus perhaps less uncomfortable to experience.

Take care,

[HWMNBN]

ETA: I just remembered that part of his attempt at reassurance (or, rather, his discussion of how he had the desire to attempt to reassure me) included me saying that I was already quite tired and that uncovering and expressing all those needs sounded exhausting. Not to mention painful. He said that I wouldn't be doing it alone.