For a few years now, ever since my eyes were opened, I have been insanely angry with my mother. This anger I have towards her has led me to seek therapy and it does help, but what I'm struggling to shake off is the guilt I feel about being so angry at her in the first place.

The worst thing is...she doesn't even know, or if she senses any anger/coolness on my part, she doesn't know the reasons why.

Just for context, the reasons are very far-reaching. She in covertly manipulative, insecure and narcissistic (partly because my biological dad was abusive and my stepdad cheated numerous times). She was very controlling when I was growing up, always diminishing any feelings on my part that weren't in accord with hers. She and my stepdad always seemed to be against me and there were also instances of covert sexually inappropriate actions that I won't go into now. In short, my parents never respected my boundaries or me as a person.

She doesn't know me. Like, at all. She has this image of a "daughter" in her head, but it hardly corresponds with the real thing. We disagree a lot and every time we have an argument she acts like the victim. She has ways of instilling guilt in me just by looking at me. She is also very needy and contacts me every day (I'm in my 20s). If I don't respond, she panics and it infuriates me like there's no tomorrow.

My T thinks a lot of the anger I have towards her stems from her letting me down. She spins a web of lies just to make herself look better and recently I found some things out that threw me off balance completely. The stories she has been telling me my whole life are literally a minefield of lies and now I don't know what's real and what's not when it comes to the stuff she says.

I don't hate her. In fact, I probably love her more than I love anyone else in the world. In many ways, she's like a child and I feel responsible for her wellbeing. Every time we talk on the phone and I am cold and distant, I end up feeling absolutely terrible afterwards as if she's this fragile little thing that can't deal with anything she dislikes.

Our relationship is superficial and I'm struggling to let her in. Sometimes I can't stand to be around her, which kills me because she is my mum and I love her.

Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? I tried talking to her but it's no good. My therapist agrees that telling her this probably won't help because she's not in a place to hear it/understand it (emotionally speaking). I need to find a balance between protecting myself from her, but also keeping her happy. The thought of her thinking that I no longer love her makes me feel horrible. I just don't know how to be around her anymore.