I don't hate her, I hate myself. My extreme problems I have are all because of what I think of myself. She aint a douche at all and even with what I say about things online what has happened between us it's just online stuff, it's just my own perspective and it takes 2 to tango and I am kind of unreliable because of how I see things in the most extreme way when things change, you're just seeing my hell I am giving pieces of, i've not given the whole horror story. It's also hard to paint a picture from what I have been saying because to understand a situation you got to really understand it in person, online written words are meaningless. She helped me at a time I was down and I clung on, which I am going to say sorry to her for. I am just going to go for that coffee and walk with her and just ask her straight up and not to hold back if we should continue and that I am sorry for clinging on. If she still wants to, I figure this whole thing I've built up is just nonsense and I am just looking at pieces i've read online and put them as what we are and I'll try to give her her space but also be there for her if the time ever arose. I'm pretty sure I have proven I'll be there for her no matter what with that whole hospital/money thing. If we aren't cool then I will back off.

She also followed her dreams and no longer is a waitress, she lives with her 2 kids and is around her mother all the time, tells me to let things go and let whatever it is play out the way it's meant to be. Don't actually take what I say about her as what she is, it's what I think of myself. I messaged her on FB i've got something that has been eating away at me for a long long time I need to ask and I respect her then to just say it over a text. If she still wants to remain friends and do things together then I'll know it's true and I am going to be different, I am going to worry less about her and worry more about me because I really can't stand myself and how I go through these extremes any longer. I'll call every now and then, go to events she actually invites me to rather then ignore them, go for coffees or whatever she wants to do or I want to do. Also to tell her to call me whenever she wants...good day, bad day, just wants to talk i'm there. She also sold her house because it was too much money for her now and she was looking to sell it anyway, too many bad memories (see, you can't see the whole picture) and was looking to find another place to live with her 2 daughters anyway.

If she wants me to back off, i'll just be around to collect the money and that's it. No coffees/walks to say wassup, just meet her at say her work or my work and get it and that's that. I gotta be my own man now, I got stuff I want to do before I die and I need to do them. Emailing money just means like a email transfer. I've done it before through my app on my phone.

I don't actually thinks she wants me to leave, I say I want to leave because I got huge abbandonment issues due to my mom I think leaving when I was a kid but that's a whole nother story and I feel unworthy of people coming into my life, so maybe get people to look bad in my eyes so everyone can agree for me to take off or something like that. Also when I notice people get close or I start thinking they like me I start feeling weirded out and change a little, but I keep to my stories. Example...when we got really close I'd not always answer the phone right away and just looked at it because I felt weirded out getting a call thinking maybe that person likes me...WTF!!!!!???? so I would just call later.