Hi...
I feel like no one can help me so I thought maybe If I just talk about it here and someone will listen, I'll feel better.
I've got married at young age in 2013. I was very unmotivated for my whole life to improve myself in sense of getting better at things, since I thought "I can't be the best so why even try?", but I polished my personality thinking I want to be a mother and raise kids the best way I could. So I found a boy who showed me that he loves me above everything and I married him. He taught me how to manage my time and stuff thet I've never been taught by my family. And I got better I really felt like my life finally was getting in the right direction. Like it was getting SOMWHERE instead of drifting in the void of reality.
He had health issues but it wasn't severe... till he got extremally stressful job just before we got married. So after the wedding I got pregnant right away. And since I moved from big house filled in light in the rural area to small cramped flat, build the way it was very dark inside regardless time of the day, and my hormones was very bad for my mood, I got depression. It wasn't helping him.
He got stomach ulcers but was diagnosed like year after and was suffering from the ilness that made him feel extremally bad, and high stress, I was lying in hospital pregnant for 2 months and then I gave birth with my husband at my side. He got PTSD from it. He had completly disregulated sleep pattern and stuff.
So finally after treating his ulcers we got to psychiatrist. And we got medication. And my husband finally started to get better. We had another child and even when it was hard I thought: "If he is improving. Then it is very good.". And I was happy with it. And I was improving as well. I felt like I had mission. I really got that internal motivation after my first child was born, that I was lacking my whole life. And I was getting better. I wanted more and more from life. I wanted to do stuff I never was able to do. But my husbands depression was holding me back.
But it was ok. I love him. So I waited. But he doesn't try anymore. Depression faded away with medication and success he has been having. And I realised that he just got lazy and childrish, wanting to just do what he wants in the moment, not looking at further consequences of his actions. And at first I was patient. I know he needs time. But now... I just feel hopless.
He doesn't have any real reason to be like that. He is just lazy and I am cuffed to home with my children becouse of that. We struggle with money, things are never done. Nothing is on time. And I feel hopless... He doesn't listen to me. He just does what pleases him at the time. I can't count on him. And that feeling of hopelesness is killing me. I want to die. There are good days and bad days. But now... now I just want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. I love him and my children but I don't want to suffer.
Please help me.