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Oct 14, 2018, 04:00 PM
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Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,361
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chihirochild
Hi [chihirochild],
I just wanted to add one additional thing for you to think about this week, as a follow up from our discussion today. I really appreciated your insight about the way in which you were potentially “testing” [the guy I mentioned] (sp?) to see if he really was wanting to be with you, rather than just using you. It could be important for us to explore together for their other ways in which you might test people in your life, consciously but also less than consciously, especially when you are in the midst of your depressive episodes, but also perhaps through withdrawal, avoidance, or anger/frustration towards others. Not sure if that is relevant at all, but just wanted to throw it out there. “Testing” of course implies a wish, but a wish that is hidden and thus perhaps less uncomfortable to experience.
Take care,
[HWMNBN]
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If anyone's interested, this is the email I sent in reply:
Hi [HWMNBN],
Thanks for emailing—I really appreciate it. I’m not sure if I ought to respond in detail since different therapists have different amounts of tolerance for out-of-session intellectual/emotional labor and I’m not sure where you stand on that spectrum, so I’ll give it sort of a “first pass” and leave it at that. (I’m not quite brave enough to translate that into a wish, but I can come up with a relevant question: is it all right for me to email you about things outside of the realm of practical/scheduling matters?)
When I try to understand what wish might underlie the various tests I give to people in my life ([the guy I'm involved with], you, my parents, my residency program directors, etc.), I come up with questions rather than wishes. (Perhaps because a question puts someone else in the “hot seat?" Or maybe because it implies someone else bearing witness to the questioner? Unclear.) Some of those questions are: Can you see how much I’ve suffered? (Because, I suppose, suffering = deserving [worthy? in need of?] of care… though I dunno, do people need care in the absence of suffering?) Will you notice and care about that suffering even if I can’t articulate it? Can you recognize what I’ve accomplished despite this damn mental illness? (And, in ironic juxtaposition, will you value me even if I am too disabled to work?) Will you accept me even when I behave badly, even if my actions suggest I don’t value you? Will you accept me even when I am needy, even if those needs are immature or manipulatively expressed or otherwise distasteful? (If so, is this conditional on you feeling like you can fulfill those needs?)
So maybe the underlying wish goes something like, “I want you to see me, accurately and completely, and to value me in spite of that (because of that??), irrespective of what I might offer you in return, and in a way that is specific to me personally rather than a result of any blanket respect you might have for human-dignity-in-general.” Which sounds a hell of a lot like, “I wish you’d love me unconditionally.” Though both of those phrases completely fail to capture my emotional experience of the thing—that gets lost in the rendering, somehow. (And frankly, I can’t imagine what would allow or even motivate one person to respond to another in such a way, at least with any kind of consistency—it seems an un-fulfillable wish, perhaps rightly so due to its utter self-centeredness. I know that’s not the point, but still.)
I think I’ve lost the crux of the thing so I’ll stop before I’m completely adrift in the sea of bull**** intellectualization. I’ll keep mulling it over.
Best,
[chihirochild]
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