Quote:
Originally Posted by saidso
I have a question which might sound a bit mad, hmmm. Reading this thread - and you write so much better about the problems of making friends than I can - I reflect that I often have all sorts of reactions to people that I meet. I have judgements about what is fair and responsible, I have deep hurting about "not being cared about enough", I have a need for someone to confirm what I'm experiencing and to help me separate from my reactions enough to make good decisions, I need warmth and smiles of recognition, I need fun, I need wisdom.
I was mean to someone at the market yesterday and another person told me off about that. I carry around assumptions and needs and thoughts/ worries/ hates.
The part inside me that reaches out for friendships is often the youngest, most innocent part and she needs a lot of comforting if friends ignore her.
What I'm wondering about you is... who is the part reaching out to these friends and what does she need in order to feel more hopeful about it all. One tactic that I use to face discomfort or disappointment - is to allow some time to discuss it with myself inside. Today for example, went to buy some prezzies for people who I will be visiting and I found myself feeling tired because the shop was so unhelpful, and sad because I wanted some peace instead of being in a noisy shop. On the bus coming home, I said to my younger inside self that she is sad, she said because noone cares, and I said I can show you that I care. She said, nah. But later we got off the bus and sautered past some shops she likes, and bought a bottle of water and a small snack. Grad-u-a-lly the sadness got soothed into a feeling of contentment.
It was a question of listening to the fact that I/we were thirsty and hungry, and needed something satisfying in the stomach, needed a DVD for distraction but not finding one we liked was ok, weighed up going to a proper restaurant and decided we had better food back home. It's the listening attention that seems to soothe me.
I imagine that relationships with other people need something of the same inner listening and kindness. To have resilience, to know when there is an opportunity to reach out, when to float free, when to turn the back and walk away.
Having said that, I am about to meet a lot of new people and I am terrified!
Not sure if that makes sense, but I write it respectfully...
saidso
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Yep! All of the above... I can relate. I’ve been struggling to put words to my feelings. Hubby recently asked me why do I need friends when most friendships are superficial and he doesn’t see me as a superficial person. He doesn’t understand my driving need to make friends and I’m starting to feel conflicted about it. I have been reflecting on this. I’ve also been reflecting on my own behaviors. What do I do that pushes people away? I thought about times over the years people have reached out in friendship and I didn’t even realize it and I didn’t reciprocate. I also thought about the times I have been taken advantage of and how that has changed my ability to trust others. Nonetheless, I’ve been on the side of being right at times and in the wrong at other times.... I have stayed too long in unhealthy relationships... and walked away from what I now realize had potential to be good relationships. I think it’s a fear of loneliness and a fear of missing out and a fear of being a failure behind all these emotions about relationships... my relationship with my parents is crap and you never stop blaming yourself for bad relationships with family.... I’ve moved around a lot in my lifetime... gone through a divorce and then an estrangement with my daughter.... My life has been a bit fragmented. I feel envious of people who have it all together... family and friends.... I feel inadequate and as though I am not good enough.
So I think there are some selfish motivations here that I need to think about.... I need to sift through all these feelings and get them out of the way so that when I meet people I can just be myself and I can just feel like that is enough. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble about this. It’s always there beneath the surface and I really do want to overcome it and just have a few nice friendships.