Maybe it's not love and more like a crush. I met this girl 18 years ago when she was hired as a Manager-in-Training at a restaurant where we worked. When I first met her, I thought she was very pretty, but didn't have any feelings for her. A about a year and a half later, she transferred back to the restaurant I was at as the bar manager. A while after, a staff member was fired for, allegedly, spreading rumours about people. One of the things that was said was that I was taking pictures of this girl and obsessing over her and stuff. I don't think she heard about, or if she did, she may have just dismissed it, and she never brought it up. Soon after, seemingly overnight (long story that I won’t get into), I developed feelings for her. It was like I couldn't stop thinking about her for the longest time. I was always so scared and nervous around her because I didn't know what to say or do.

Eventually, she was transferred to another store, but I would still see now and again when I would visit. I remember being so upset about it too, though I eventually got over it. A couple of years later, her store was robbed at knifepoint. I remember feeling so awful for her. I actually baked a batch of Christmas Cookies that she liked and I brought them to her to feel better.

We kept in touch over time when we went our separate ways. I would sometimes see her at the restaurant she would be managing, and through Facebook and Messenger. When her Mom passed away due to ALS, I went to the wake and gave my condolences to her and her husband. I think she really appreciated me coming all the there (about a 45 minute-1 hour drive) and she gave me a hug (which caught me off-guard a bit). A couple of years ago, she moved about 5 hours away to accept a new job.

This past April was the 20th anniversary of the restaurant we used to work at together. I made a Facebook post about it and tagged her and other alumni. Some of us talked about doing a reunion but it never came to fruition due to people backing out at the last minute, and not to mention a tornado warning. Her and I talked about it and other things as well.

Ever since then, I’ve had these feelings for her come up again. Every time I see she’s online (as well as other girls I like) I almost feel a tear in my eye. I want to say something, but I’m always too scared to because I can’t think of anything to say. I hate feeling this way about her. I just want to be friends with her and be able to visit and hang out with her. I’ve always known that she was in a relationship with (who I know pretty well too) and never tried to hit on her. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but I can’t. I don’t want that kind of relationship with her, even if she was available since I care about her too much and I’m sure she cares about me too. The last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable, and ruin what friendship I do have with her. I never told her about that rumour out of fear she would find out how I feel about her. I remember telling some female co-workers about the rumour and they said I should’ve told her about it.

I have always admired her positive attitude, her love of life, and how she worked hard to land her job that she loves. I wish I was able to have a positive outlook like her. I was hoping she could help me in that department. I really miss seeing her. I just don’t know what to do about having feelings for someone who I don’t want to have feelings for.