This is probably going to be a bit long, so I'm sorry in advance for rambling.

For about a year and a half now, I've been trying to get over someone. His name is Dustin. It's a very complicated situation, but basically there wasn't much of a chance that I'd ever get to be with him, and I knew that from the beginning. I can't even say that I know him very well. When I first met him, I was married, but unhappily. Meeting Dustin was the trigger that caused me to realize how unhappy I was, and I got divorced soon after.

I'd sort of lost a lot of myself over the years before I met Dustin. I'd started pretending to be someone I wasn't because I've always had trouble fitting in. I always felt very alone until I met him. Dustin is a lot like me in personality, but he's successful, and I'm not. The fact that he even existed was somewhat of a shock to me. It made me realize that if I put in the effort, I could be successful too, and I suppose that's part of why I fell in love with him. He's what I wish I was.

I know that I'll never get to be with Dustin, and maybe I'll never even see him again. So I've been trying to move on... but it's very difficult and painful. Right now, I'm living with the first guy I've dated since I got divorced. We've only been together for a few months, but we're living together because of financial reasons. Neither of us can afford to live on our own, so it's just easier this way. It was great at first, but as time has gone on, I've become more and more depressed. I've been having nightmares for the last couple weeks, and I've started having a few dreams about Dustin.

At first, I tried to ignore all of it. I pretended everything was fine, because up until recently I thought things were good and that I was happy. But now I can hardly stand to be around my boyfriend. I get upset over things that shouldn't matter, and I just generally feel like a bit of a wreck. I know that I'm unhappy, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if anything can be done. I know it isn't anything he's doing that's setting me off, I'm just starting to sink back into my depression over Dustin again. I've been going through cycles of this for a year now. I'll think I'm over him for a little while and I'll stop thinking about it, then it'll hit me all over again. I don't know why it happens like that... I wish I could just forget him. I wish I could just not care. No matter how much I try to forget, no matter how much time goes by, it's still in my head. Maybe it's because he made me remember who I really am, and I'm afraid to let go of that. Maybe its because I hadn't loved anyone like that before, and I don't know if I ever will again.

I just wish I knew what to do about any of this... I feel like I'm completely stuck, out of options. I could break up with my boyfriend, but I don't think that wouldn't solve anything. So if any of you can offer me any insight, I would really appreciate it. I'm so tired of feeling lost...