I relate to so much of what you are saying. The way I look at it, PTSD is a fairly new diagnosis. So we are pioneers in figuring out how to best deal with it. I have felt that feeling too - feeling like there is a missing piece to my healing. I have tried quite a few different treatments and specialists as a result. I strongly believe that healing is possible. I feel like each of us has a different path for healing and the resources are out there for us. But it is not easy! I do think that one of our biggest resources is our intuition. So if your intuition is telling you to try a different approach, go for it.

I also can relate so much to your statement about getting derailed easily. I totally hear that. Its hard for me to not judge myself too harshly sometimes. The funny thing is that some of the skills I have developed to compensate for or cope with the PTSD surpass the skills of my peers in the workplace. So even though I crumble in certain situations, I have to give myself credit for the things I do well. I also try to celebrate the little victories, so if a common trigger for me does devastate me and I am able to recover a more easily than usually, I take that as a sign that I'm healing and improving.

I think another thing that happens is that I'm almost a different person when I'm feeling grounded and have lower levels of anxiety. I'm more myself. When I'm feeling triggered though, that's when feelings of hopelessness and self-criticism creep in. When I am in a dark place, I remind myself, "I'm having a flashback." It's normal to feel hopeless during a flashback and I try to acknowledge it for what it is. When we are having a flashback, we are re-experiencing a traumatic event where our physical and/or psychological safety are compromised. Any normal person would act differently in a situation where they were in this type of danger. I would not judge someone as a whole if I met them right after they experienced some terrible event. I would take their behavior with a grain of salt and recognize that they probably weren't being themselves because of the crisis they just experienced. We can give ourselves that same leeway by recognizing that some of our shortfalls are due to the fact that we are re-experiencing something really terrible that happened to us. The "me" that I notice during a flashback or when I'm triggered is not the real me.