Dude, I hear you. Times get really rough and I wouldn't wish my darkest times on my worst enemy. It really, really sucks sometimes.

Something what helps me when I am feeling hopeless is to read overcoming obstacles stories. Some of my favorites are reading or watching videos about Viktor Frankl, who was a holocaust survivor. His story has some really powerful lessons that I can apply to my own life too.

I also like to watch really depressing movies that have a good ending like "The pursuit of happiness" with Will Smith. Stuff like this gives me hope.

And one of the things that Vicktor Frankl taught me is to ascribe meaning to our suffering. For me, I look at the PTSD as a puzzle I need to solve. How am I going to beat this thing? I used to ascribe meaning to it by thinking I will help others with PTSD. Now I'm just selfish about it! LOL. Screw them! I just want my own life back for right now.

Another way to look at it, if you are into philosophy, is to look at Albert Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus. This might be more relatable if you are atheist/agnostic and you like really intellectual stuff. He basically addresses the question, "If I am suffering, why not just commit suicide?" For him, his existentialist "meaning" was to carry on with an air of protest or as a sign of revolt.

I am in no way going to try to paint what you are going through as easier than what it is. My point is, you need to figure out your Why. It should be something that deeply resonates with you. Chanel those intense feelings into ascribing some purpose to your suffering.