It was hard to go to T today. I was so aware of the attachment I have with her that it was giving me chest pains.

Once in the room I started crying immdeiately and said I just feel I want to tell you to f*** off. T said thats what you've been doing outside of T in other chat rooms and getting hated and banned, but I am now bringing it into T and showing her. Once she said that the urge to tell her to F*** off went.

I told her I hate that I feel I need her so much, that I just want to be there with her, I feel ashamed. T said that there is some truth in as much as a baby does need its mother for survival more then the mother needs the baby. I said but I feel I just want you with me all the time then I'd be ok, but I know thats not reality. T said I think you mean you wish I'd been with you in the beginning of your life then you would have been ok.

I told her that I hate it that when she takes a break that I am left feeling scared and that she can do it without blinking an eyelid. T said it feels like she is doing it without blinking an eyelid. Sigh, these feelings are so intense when you experience them and its only when someone else points out to you the different between feelings and reality it sort of all disolves.

T did say she feels on the first week back after any other breaks that I need to go 3x for that week and not just the normal 2x, and of course I can still email. I asked her if I need to pay for emailing her. She nodded and said, no.

I said my head has so many scenes going on at the moment. I can see vikings fighting and my life acts with that. Its like thats all I can see and I feel the feelings connected to these scenes in my head and reality seems far, far away. But I guess at least now I can "see" them and not just be in them. Its so hard to believe that my feelings are not reality, though they themselves are real.

I feel comforted and more settled now that T suggested something I could do that would help. Oh well, onwards and upwards.