No, you do NOT have a problem. Your problem is that you think you are different, and don't trust that you will fit into the world. I read your posting nad can't tell you how much I relate to everything you said about feeling paranoid all the time, and like people are talking behind your back. I am in constant struggle with it. I was hoping I could tell you about myself and perhaps you could draw from it the parellels. I bet if you met me in person, you would never believe that I have teh amount of insecurity that I do. I am described as bubbly, happy, energetic, outgoing, funny...totally not the kind of person you would think walks around paranoid all the time, huh? The truth is, some days are better than others, but for the most part I feel petrified of other people. Somedays I feel so stupid around people, like no matter how I present myslef, I am going to annoy the heck out of everyone. I have a lot of friends, but never had any "best " friends and I am always feeling incredibly lonely. Other days I feel, like you said, superior to others...like the only reason I am not adored the way I wish to be is because I am too good for most people. It's confusing even to me. But it has gotten better. My therapy really helped. Now most days are no problem at all, but I still wake up on some days feeling like there is a cloud over myhead, it's incredibly hard to pull myself out of that self depricating mentality. Coming to sites like this one helps, because all I ever wanted to know was that I am not alone in how I feel.
I have great things in my life that I know I should be happy about...and I am. But still, I have had my share of rejection from friends when I was growing up who treated me like I was a big burden all the time, rolled their eyes at everything I said, and made me feel very small. I have been fired from more than 30 jobs in the last 7 years. I know how that sounds...and I also know that it should be obviose by now what I am doing wrong in all of these jobs, but still I am not able to figure out what I could be doing wrong, I am never really able to get those answers. Most of the time my employers say "it just was not wokring out". I was kicked out of my sorority in college all due to a terrible rumor that wasn't even true, and the list goes on and on. The truth is, I never fit into my sorority, always the girl who didn't have a roomate, never fit into these office, always the one who wasn't invited to lunch.
Like you, I am determined to kick this issue. But Something I HAVE learned it that my instincts were always dead on. If I felt that someone was talking about me, I was usually correct about it. But on the flip side, I have learned that while I know I don'tr deserve to be treated this way, I can still take responsibility for what is happening. others treat you the way you condition them to treat you. Perhaps there is something in how your project your energy towards others that make them uncomfortable. I am pretty sure that is the case with me...I wear my insecurity on my sleeve. Perhaps, you have an amazing gift of being able to read others better than most. Perhaps you are superior to them and people are threatened by that. In therapy, I learned a pretty amazing thing about myslef, and that is that I have the gift of affecting the energy in any room that I have just walked into with my mood. If I am feeling happy, the room lights up, if I am feeling sad, it's like people want to hunt me down and kill me. We all have super powers, and with those powers come burdens. I bet people are more afraid of you than you are of them. I bet deep down they'd love to know you on a real level, but you are very mysterious to them. I bet you are burdened with being as special as you want to be, but with the right amount of courage, you could change everyone's mind about you. Even if I am wrong that they are talking about you, you are can be the one in control with the right amount of confidence. I know that if you came up to me and started a nice conversation with me, you would make my day. I would be so happy to have a friend who didn't judge me and liked me for who I am. It's what I spend my nights praying for. How is it possible that so many of us feel that way, and yet we feel like we are the only ones?