I have my up days and my bad days. I came here because for some reason when I am helping others with their issues, my own seem to fade away. I have a million friends, and yet I always feel so alone. Like no one "gets" me. I feel guilty on the days that I am feeling down, because in retrospect I have so many good things in my life that I know I should be appreciating. Everytime I make a new friend (and that doens't seem to be very hard for me) I am pertrified that I will lose them.... Infact, I am afraid of losing everything good in my life. I feel like I can't even enjoy the good things because something will take them away from me. When i am feeling happy, people love to be around me and they can't seem to get enough of me. I am a great friend to others, too. I love helping others because it makes me feel needed. But when I feel down, I know that I am the biggest burden to everyone who knows me, and I have to stay away from everyone I love, or risk losing them forever. I woke up this morning in my bad place. I was fired yet again from my job, and no one is being honest with me. I was told that I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't break any policies, but it's just not working out. The only reason I am not shocked is because I have been through this 38 times before. I hate that I can't figure out what I am doing to to cause my getting fired. What am I missing here?
The truth is, I really, really love people, and I want so badly to be loved by them...but I seem to scare everyone away...just when I need them most. I really want to fix this about myself, but I am having a hard time seeing myself the way others do. The truth is. I love me. I'd love to be freinds with me, so why is it so hard for others? How is it possible for me to love others so much and hate them at the same time for treating someone like me so horribly. It's like they get off on seeing me cry. I hate that I am so sensitive, but I hate even more people who love taking advantage of that.
Sorry to unload. It's just that I came here hoping to find others who would let me be exactly who I want to be without judging me. My biggest wish in life is having friends who will not leave me, or roll their eyes at me if I happen to say something dumb. I am sick of feeling rejected.