We know Gran
Has alcohol problems.
We know she has
Been so hasty
To get her bottle
That she has left
The dog a hundred and one
Times. Using it as an excuse.
She forgot my brothers
Bike when she
Was taking him
To the shop for a sweet.
What can we do?
We know she is
Lonely because she
Retired too early.
My Grandad works
Non stop. He knows.
We all know.
We all know this side
Of town knows.
But you cannot help
A person who does not
Want help. She
Just makes excuses
When we try.
Go and join a bridge club.
I don't like buses.
What can we do,
To stop the drinking?
Lock an OAP in a room
On her own, against her will?
Make her go cold turkey?
Until she has a seizure?
Nobody does that.
She has a grudge
Against Grandad for
Moving here. Apart
From oor flustered,
She misses her
Friends from England.
Its not easy making
Friends the older you get.
You lose friends
At their age faster
Than making them.
My Gran wanted
To be a chemist.
So what happened?
Grandad was Navy.
She didn't have
Much help when
Raising her family.
She stayed at home.
She enjoyed working
At a betting shop
Because back then
She had to calculate
Some of the math manually.
She was intelligent.
My mum says,
That my Grandfather
Actually had some
Sort of breakdown.
I am not sure when.
But seeing as he
Became an orphan
At a young age,
He didn't have a strong
Support network and
He was the one
Supporting his family.
He must have felt
Lonely too. When
My grandparents married,
My Gran recounted how
His excitement turned
To sadness when
He realised that,
He didn't have family
To invite. My Grans
Mum died young
From a brain tumour
And my Gran quit
Work to help out.
So when my Grandfather
Passed and her health
Was in decline, she
Expected my mum
To make sacrifices.
My mum resented
Making sacrifices for
Me and my brother.
And she made such
A song and dance
About my Gran.
Maybe if she had
Considered what my
Grandfather would have
Thought about all
Her histrionics, she
May have been
More patient. It
Was probably my
Own father who broke
Her patience. I
Know he tested mine.
He lost me too.
It was his fault.
My father never
Got over my mum.
And he left
Her with emotional
Scars. She yelled
At him every single
Time she saw him.
Me on the stairs.
Making this scene
Etched on my
Memory. Scared and
Confused. And this,
Being in the middle
Of a war just
Passed on our
Families prided tradition:
Loneliness is inevitable.
I was mad
At him, my father.
But because of his ill health I
Harboured no resentment.
I know my step dad
Was more of a dad.
But he didn't understand
How to raise
A kid who was more
Academically inclined than practical.
And my mum and him
Messed up big time.
They made it up
To me while my
Father. He never got
Me either. Because,
He wanted a son.
I never did sport
To please him though.
It saved me from
The streets. My father
Didn't know what
He wanted really.
To go watch his kid
Play football at
The weekends. Sorry
Not me. What are
You going to be?
I didn't have to be
In uniform, I didn't
Need a title. I didn't
Want to tempt fate.
I knew if i told
Him he would just tutt,
And not understand.
What kid envisions
Themselves in an office
In a business or corporation?
Stuck behind a computer
Screen all day.
Thats where money and
Success seems to lie
In modern life.
Kids want to be
Saving the world as
Fire fighters, doctors and Nurses.
My mum laughed
At my childhood dreams.
When I took a year
Out my father
Muttered about girls
Doing modern apprenticeships.
An office one. Yes
But I lacked confidence.
The key ingredients.
I got anxious on
The tills at the supermarket.
I hated small talk.
I had no intersest in
Car engine's. In fixing things.
I liked to paint my nails
And avoid splinters
At all cost.
My brothers future
Was all set for him.
Sometimes when you
Hit out at the world
It hits back ten times
As hard as I
Was to find out.
I got unwell. And
Everything went the other
Direction. From pressure
To be something,
To something else.
To unknown territory.
To ending up with
An emotionally unavailable man.
Who in a photo I took,
I saw the same
Angry/depressed stance
Like my own blood father.
To nearly crying when
The job centre advisor
Tried to recommend
A company her
Daughter my age just
Secured a job with.
Does'nt mean I will.
My mums not like you.
She must get that
All the time. Thinking
These defeated youngsters.
One said "cant your friends
Help you get something."
Not now they couldn't.
I am just out of hospital.
I didn't say. I also didnt say,
None of my friends
Visited me in hospital
Because there are
No flowers or cards
In the psych ward.