T yesterday. Background: I'd done my first 5K over the weekend and sent T a brief email Saturday to tell him how I'd done. Wasn't looking for anything more than a "good job!" or "congrats!" in response (if anything at all), but hadn't heard anything back as of Monday morning. And this bothered me a bit (he's always said something within 24 hours, even if it was the weekend--and he's never not replied to an email). Then I was annoyed with myself for caring because it wasn't an important email. I'd planned to address it with him. Then T ended up emailing me back a half hour before our session, which I saw shortly before it. So I was conflicted on whether to bring it up.

T retrieved me, went back and sat down (he was in his Super Mario socks--and other clothing, of course!), usual comment on weather (rainy). T: "So how are you, Miss 5K?" I smiled. I filled him in on how the race had gone, with various details. I then mentioned that I'd been happy with my time, until I saw the results and learned I'd come in last. T said how I should think of it as that I'm competing with myself, not the other runners/walkers. Talked a bunch more about walking and running--somehow skiing ended up in there, too.

Session was going well, he was being very warm with me, and I debated whether to bring up the email. But I knew I had to. I said I hoped I hadn't bothered him with the email, that I just wanted to tell him a positive thing. How I saw he'd just written back this morning and thanks, but I guess I thought he'd have said something sooner, even though I knew it was the weekend. Like I didn't expect anything more than just "good job!" or "congrats!" just a couple words. But since he didn't reply then, wasn't sure if it was OK to send.

T: "I don't really check or reply to emails that often on weekends." Me: "Oh...OK, but I thought..." T: "I mean, sometimes on the weekend, I'll go 12-16 hours without even looking at my email." Me: "oh, OK. See, I always have my email open." T: "I'd find that stressful." Me: "It's just what I do." T: "And I usually will only reply on the weekend to something that's more urgent. Or if it's scheduling, like if you'd emailed to say, 'Session is at 9:30 Monday, right?' to confirm, of course I'd reply to that." Me: "Oh, OK. I don't think I realized that. I guess when I didn't hear back..." T: "You felt ignored?" Me: "Yeah, I guess. Even though it was this really minor positive thing, not like I was in crisis or something. And I also tried to title it so it was obvious that it was positive and not urgent." T: "I read your email much earlier than I responded to it." Me: "Oh."

Talked about some other stuff, then ended up going back to the email. I said I struggled with whether to even bring it up. T: "It sounds like you have a mix of feelings about it, like it bothers you that I didn't reply, but then you feel bad for feeling that way." Me: "Yeah, kinda like that. Like I shouldn't be having those feelings. Because it wasn't even an important email." T: "It's OK to have whatever feelings you have." Me: "Or at least if I'm having those feelings, then I shouldn't share them with you." T: "It's OK to share them with me. I mean, I don't feel guilty." Me: "I wasn't expecting you to." T: "OK."

I said how I'd shared stuff with the race with H, then on Facebook. And how I got a bunch of likes and positive comments on there. How that should have been enough for me. That I had debated whether to share with T as well. T: "Why do you think that wasn't enough for you?" Me: "I don't know...I was awake in the middle of the night last night and thinking...I mean, I know the authority figure thing, but I wonder if it could partly be that you're an athlete?" T: "Do you think you'd have had the same desire to share it with ex-MC?" Me: "I really don't know..."

Me: "Because...I mean, I've pretty much been bad at any athletic endeavor I tried. So it would mean more if you said something positive to me than just some random person. Then again, it's not like you'd probably say, 'Wow, your time sucked!'" T: "Yeah, that would have been pretty rude." Me: "I mean, you wouldn't say something like that to me as your client. Or even probably to your friends or family." So...I don't know. I mean, I'm just thinking the athlete thing because I felt like I gave more weight to 'likes' and comments on my post from people who were runners or otherwise athletic." T: "Well, positive comments from someone who is an expert in the field always mean more." Me: "Yeah."

I talked more about what had led me to email him. How I felt really good after the race about my time, then when I got home and looked up the times and saw I was last (and an 80-year-old woman was in the race), I started to feel bad about myself. And the Facebook comments weren't enough. I didn't share that I was in last place there. T: "Why not? I'm sure they would have been just as supportive then." Me: "I don't know...I guess for some reason I just wanted to hear some kind of affirmation from you. Even though, I mean, I know it was the weekend..." T: "Well, that's one of the limitations of our relationship." Me: "Oh." T: "I'm not your friend." Me: "...I know that...I..."

I said I was concerned he'd be bothered by all my expectations of him. That he'd be annoyed with me that I wanted those things. T: "I'm not annoyed at all." Me: "OK. Because I understand that you need the work-life balance. I think it makes you a better therapist." T: "Thank you." Me: "Because I don't really feel ex-MC had that..." I forget what he said there, but he didn't seem to disagree. Me: "I mean, I understand that you're a father, so you need time with your son, and...uh, you're a husband so you need time with your wife, and..."

In a lighter moment of session, we briefly ended up on topic of contact while he's out of town. T: "Even when I'm traveling, I can pretty much always check email in the mornings unless...say, my phone gets eaten by a snake." Me: "That would be during your trip to the Amazon?" T: "I guess it would take a pretty big snake!" Me: "Then the snake would be ringing and buzzing and stuff..."

Was end of session. Confirmed for Thursday, scheduled for following week. Paid, he stood up and shook my hand (I noticed it was sweatier than usual), saying "Good luck out there!" Me: "Thanks. Uh, you too!"

Felt OK after session, but then started thinking more about the "I'm not your friend" comment and a couple other things. Sent him an email, mentioning that I kept thinking about the "I'm not your friend" comment, since it made me think of ex-T yelling "I can't be your mother or your friend!" And how I was working on trusting him more (to be honest if something I did bothered him) and learning to reassure myself, but that it was a long process, and I just wanted him to bear with me. He replied this morning saying he figured I might have that reaction to his friend comment and apologizing for it. He shared a good insight about how I view relationships. Then some reassurance in the last line of his email: "As a reminder - I'm not going anywhere; you're not 'too much' and I intend on 'bearing with you.'" Which made me tear up.